


If Only

by somniumfelix



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Arthritis, Bucket List, Chronic Illness, Chronically Ill Remus Lupin, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Lupus, M/M, Past Attempted Suicide, Recovery, Romance, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26270419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somniumfelix/pseuds/somniumfelix
Summary: They seemed to find each other at the perfect time - staying in hospital was bearable when your roommate was funny, kind, beautiful inside and out.Remus just seems to be getting sicker and sicker, but Sirius makes him feel okay. Normal, just for a little bit, shrouded in unkept promises and faith in one another.If only they'd met under other circumstances.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 59
Kudos: 237





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another new fic!!
> 
> Forewarnings: This fic might be a bit gruelling for some - it's all set in a hospital setting, will have talks of blood, needles, medication, chronic illness, past suicide attempts, and more (that I will warn if and when I need to!)  
> But, I promise there's enough fluff to make up for it! Enjoy <3
> 
> (Respite is a service in different forms where an ill person is looked after by someone else other than their carers, to provide the people looking after them a break. In Remus's case, he is taken to a short stay home when his primary carers (his parents) want/need a break. Some people can take advantage of this system, however, as we see later on!)

"This might hurt a bit, kid."

Remus knew. He knew this. He's been having blood tests on a regular basis from five years old - he didn't need to be told. Instead of snapping back, however, he bit his tongue, smiling at the young trainee nurse whose name he hadn't been bothered to remember. She'd be on a new department in a week, no doubt.

"Alright," He hummed, before feeling a little pinch and watching at the needle slipped under his skin. 

But no matter how many blood tests he'd had, Remus could never get used to the feeling, the peculiar sensation of cold metal shifting a little, watching as the red blood was drawn up into the plastic tube. He looked away, converging on anything else in the room.

The smell of disinfectant lingered in the air, tickling Remus's nose in the most uncomfortable way, and was almost as infuriating as the ceaseless beeping from the monitor next to him. He flexed his free hand, looking down at his swollen wrists and bending his fingers, smirking sadistically at the familiar pain in his joints. His eyes moved from his own red skin, to the cadet blue floor, sight tracking scuff marks from shoes and moving beds. Looking up again, he saw one of said beds, lying empty and freshly made, just opposite and a little to the right of him.

The small toddler Remus had been sharing a room with for only a few days had left that morning, giggling and happy and well again with his family close in tow. He shouldn't feel jealous, really, not when it was a four year old finally getting out of his personal hell all healthy, but he longed to be that person. Walking out. Not in a wheelchair - not back to that respite home when his parents were too tired - but walking off, healthy and free.

Having caught Remus staring at the bed, the nameless nurse spoke up with a small smile.

"You're getting a new roommate again this afternoon," She said, pulling the needle from under Remus's skin and putting it back in the tray ready to take back to the labs. "About your age, if I remember rightly! Another young boy. That'll be nice, I'm sure!" 

"What, just for him to leave again in a week? Joyful." Remus laughed sardonically before he could stop himself, softening as the nurses smile dropped. "Sorry, I-"

"No, no need to apologise! My bad, I can't imagine what this is all like for you. But I promise we'll figure this all out soon enough, alright?" She grinned again, standing from the seat by his bedside and heading out of the room without waiting for a response from the young boy.

He looked to the cotton ball taped down to the bend in his arm, and focused once again in the beeping and the disinfectant and the scuff marks, with no small pinching under his skin to provide a distraction.

Remus couldn't be bothered to learn the name of another kid who'd never remember him. He could try and play friendly for a little, but all he wanted to do was take his meds, curl up as best as he could and sleep the pain away.

Suddenly, the door swung open, and a different nurse walked in, followed by a shorter boy in a hospital gown.

The stranger was stunning, somehow, despite the gown and bandages all over his arms. 

_ Well, it was obvious why he was here, then. _

His hair fell in glossy waves down to his shoulder, and his pale skin was flawless. His eyes were a little sunken, dark and red, but what else would be expected when you were staying on the children's ward, surrounded by huddles of screaming kids and crying toddlers, likely being woken for tests every four hours.

"Okay Mr Black, this'll be your room before we deem you fit to go, alright?" The nurse smiled, gesturing around her as she stepped into the centre of the hospital room.

"Ugh," The teen grumbled, somehow still sounding attractive as he did so, "Mr Black was my father, please don't call me that." He said, following her into the room and heading over to the empty bed.

"Of course! Well, make yourself at home! Your friend will be up in a moment, the doctor will bring him up after his parents-"

"My parents." He interrupted sharply.

"Yes, after  _ your  _ parents have spoken to him." She gave one last, and now a lot more forced, smile, and turned to leave the room. "Play nice, boys!" She called back, and closed the door.

The boy - Black - looked over to Remus as he jumped onto the bed, sitting cross-legged on the sheets and leaning forward. Silently, Remus prayed that he wouldn't speak; he just didn't have the patience to deal with some snobby kid who wouldn't shut up about leaving.

"So!" The kid grinned, "Why are you here, then?"

_ What? Had his parents taught him no manners?! _

"I-"

Remus was swiftly interrupted as the door flew open again with more gusto than before, and in bounded another teen with wild, messy dark hair and large round glasses. He had far darker skin and a more muscular build than the other boy, and didn't have his sharp jawline or high cheekbones. The 'his/our' parents comment confused Remus even more now - it was fairly obvious that the pair weren't brothers.

"Sirius!" He shouted with a smile, throwing himself at the boy and tackling him into a hug.

"James!"

"You twat!" The other kid - James- hit Sirius on the arm, just above where the bandages ended. His face suddenly darkened and eyes narrowed from behind the thick lenses of his glasses, "Don't you go scaring us like that again!"

"Trust me, I won't," Sirius scoffed, "Just like I promised the last thirty times you told me that over the last two days."

"Good!"

James jumped onto his friend's bed, mimicking his position and sitting opposite him, and pulled a pack of cards from his pockets.

"Fancy a game? Mum and Dad have a little left to talk about with the Doctor and the social workers, and they said they'll text me when we're good to go!" 

"Why not? But we're playing Speed, just so you know!" Sirius smirked, snatching the pack from his mate and taking the cards from the box, shuffling them. 

Remus watched from the other bed rather creepily, but with nothing else to do, he couldn't help it. Sirius glanced at him every now and then, smiling small from over his friend's shoulder, but the bespeckled boy didn't even seem to notice there was a third person in the room.

They played a few rounds of Speed - a game Remus had never heard of, and the more he watched, the more puzzled he got - in silence, until James's phone buzzed in his jacket pocket.

"That's mum," James grumbled, reading his phone, "They said they'll leave you to rest but they'll be back tomorrow to talk with you again!"

"About?" Sirius tilted his head curiously.

"Staying with us, of course! I mean, you were practically living there anyway, but you turn eighteen soon! Then you can officially move in!"

Sirius looked taken aback, eyes shining with what Remus guessed was no doubt with tears, and the smiled brightly. "And your parents would be okay with that?"

" _ Our  _ parent's have plenty of room and would love to have you. But-" He jumped off the bed and straightened out his clothes, "-that is a conversation for another day!" James grinned, ruffling Sirius's hair (who looked very unpleased at the action and has his own hands dart straight up to fix it).

James walked over to the door and waved at Sirius one last time. 

"Keep the cards! Maybe have a game with your cute roommate!" He nodded to Remus, winked, and headed out of the room, shouting a 'Bye, Pads!' as the door closed behind him.

Well then.

Remus looked over to Sirius, who was shuffling awkwardly on the bed to stretch his legs out and get under the covers, and gave a sleepy, half-hearted smile in his direction. Pondering to himself if mid-afternoon was too early to go to sleep, Remus watched as Sirius fluffed up his pillows, rested against the back of the bed and looked pointedly at the other boy.

"So," He began with a weak smile. "You never had the chance to tell me. Why are you here?"

"Has no one taught you hospital etiquette?" Remus questioned back, making the amusement in his voice clear as to not put off the other boy. He pushed up off of the bed to rest back against it, similarly to Sirius, hoping his roommate didn't notice him wince in pain as he did so.

"Apparently not! Must be your job to teach me, then!" He teased. If he saw Remus looking pained and flinching, well, he didn't show any signs of it.

Sighing audibly, Remus rolled his eyes in jest, realising he wasn't going to worm himself out of the conversation that easily.

"Well, for starters, you don't ask why people are in hospital, alright?

"Whoops!" The teen laughed, slipping his hands through his hair, making Remus's breath catch.

"If you overhear something from a doctor or whatever, feel free to speculate, but again, just don't bring it up!"

"Alright."

"Uh, then there's the obvious," Remus continued, counting on his fingers as he did, "Keeping quiet, keep the doors shut, respecting boundaries. You know, the expected stuff."

"Okay..." Sirius drawled, pondering for a moment. "But other questions, like schools, family, that stuff. That's all good?"

"Oh, family might be one to avoid, but you need to judge that for yourself. So, I would ask about the family that'll be here tomorrow, but that's it. Get the gist?" Remus raised his eyebrows, relaxing as Sirius laughed heartily.

"Yeah, I get that. So, tell me about you!"

"Me..?" Remus asked, pointing to himself with a swollen finger.

"Yup!" Name, school, friends, family if that's okay, not illness because I'm not a prick. Just you! You know enough about me from watching Jamie and I for the last half an hour, but I don't know a  _ thing  _ about you!"

"Oh, uh-" Remus shook a little nervously. Sure, he gave the same speech to everyone he shared a room with, but somehow, this new roommate of his had an aura around him, making Remus ready to spill his whole damn life story!

Still, he reigned in that urge, fiddling with his blanket as he began to talk.

"Well, my name's Remus. Lupin. Yeah, Remus Lupin - please don't say a thing about wolves - and I'm 17 and a half. I study- studied history with the hope of getting onto a mythology course at uni. Obviously not happening," He laughed humourlessly, gesturing down at himself. "Uh, my family is an unspeakable topic, I have one friend called Peter who visits me when he can, but that's not too often, and that's about it. I'm, uh, pretty boring." He finished with a shrug and pathetic smile.

"Well, you seem pretty interesting to me, Remus," Sirius smirked, leaning forward a little.

"S-so, what about you?" Remus murmured, tugging at the top of his gown, feeling uncomfortably hot under the watchful gaze of Sirius.

"Me? My favourite topic!" He grinned. "Well, I turn eighteen in less than a week, so I'll probably be spending my birthday here! My name is Sirius Black, but you knew that anyway. I take art, music and drama at A-Levels, which is a pain in the arse but I love it anyway! Birthgivers is a no-go topic, but my new family is great. James is basically like my brother and I've pretty much lived with him for the last year or so. Uh, I would finish it off with a humbling comment about being boring, but look at me! I'm gorgeous and about as camp as they come, and honey I'm damn proud of it!" He grinned, flourishing his arms about as he finished, setting back against the headboard again.

"Uh, you're gay, then?" Remus asked tentatively.

"You thought I was straight?!" He cried, offended.

"I mean, yeah?"

"How?!"

"Mate, you're in nothing but a hospital gown and black slippers, and we've hardly even spoken, how the fuck was I meant to know you were queer?"

"Oh shit, yeah!" Sirius laughed, all evidence off offence gone from his face in an instant as he shuffled from the bed. He walked over to Remus's bed, phone in his hand, and shoved the screen into his roommates face. Sudden pain shot through Remus's skull as the bright light hit his eyes, and he had to squint to see properly. On the lock screen was a picture of Sirius and James, and a third person the same age as them, and the picture couldn't have been that old. James was in a black formal suit, and the third person, a small ginger girl, was clinging to his side, wearing a gorgeous silk red dress. Beside her was Sirius, in a pink floral print suit, with bright, elaborate makeup and hair straightened to frame his face elegantly.  _ Okay, definitely gay. _

"That's me, Prongs and his girl, Lily, at prom. They won prom king and queen, but I still think I should have been queen!" Sirius sighed with a wink, smirking up at Remus.

"Yeah, I can imagine them giving that to you," Remus chuckled, "Prongs? James called you Pads earlier too, what's with that?"

"Well, there was a fork incident in school - we went to boarding school and got into so much shit! So James got nicknamed Prongs! And then there was a dare to do with me, the common room, dogs and collars, so they called me Padfoot! What about you? Any strange nicknames?"

"Peter calls me Moony. You know, the wolf names, werewolves, all that? And, uh, there was a misdiagnosis a few years back," Remus continued, unable to shut up, "It matched with the whole moon, wolf, theme, so it stuck."

"Lupus, I'll guess? Lupin, Lupus, the moon?"

"Hospital etiquette, Sirius Black," Remus laughed, and the boy turned to walk back to his own bed.

"Aha, yeah, sorry! Just a curious sod, after all!" He beamed.

"Curiosity killed the cat, you know?"

"And satisfaction bought it back," Sirius finished smugly. "Speaking of, what about you? Queer or not? I swear if I'm stuck with another boring straight boy like in school!"

Now was Remus's turn to feign offence, placing his hand on his heart (a little too swiftly, sending a dull ache down from his wrist to his elbow).

"How dare you consider me straight!"

"Well thank god then! Nothing better than rooming with another gay! You are gay, right?"

"Yup."

"Ah, cool."

"Mhm..."

They fell into an awkward silence, the first awkward silence since Sirius had entered the room. They seemed too accustomed to each other to just leave the conversation there, but Remus for the life of him couldn't think of anything to talk about, to pull them out of the strange turn they'd fallen into. Thankfully, with a dramatic flick of his wrist, pack of cards in his fist, Sirius saved the day.

"Fancy a game?"

Remus looked down to where his hands laid on the white sheets, flexing his fingers a little and curling them into a tight, painful fist. He'd be okay for a little.

"Go on then, just the one!" He smiled at the other boy, who's eyebrows had become a little furrowed during Remus's pause. "But I've never played that Speed game, so you'll have to talk me through it!"

"Okay, play on the floor?"

Uh.

Remus knew he could try to stand, but falling over in front of his new acquaintance (friend?) if his knees hurt more than he thought would be too embarrassing to bear. Instead, he sat up a little, slowly pulling his legs in so he sat cross-legged, unable to help the small whimper at the pain.

"Is it okay-"

"To play on your bed? Yeah, of course, mate!" Sirius chirped, making no hesitation in leaping from his own bed, dashing across the small length of the room, then slowly clambering onto Remus's bed. He took the cards from the box, shuffling them in his hands in a way that Remus couldn't help but feel jealous of and dealing them. He explained the rules to Remus, and they settled to play. 

They made it through a few rounds before the heat in Remus's hands became too much to bear, and he had to call it quits. Sirius said nothing, just smiled, putting away the cards and asking him more questions. 

They talked a little more about school, Sirius's 'new family', as he referred to them (they sounded amazing, Remus could have heard him talk about them for days on end), about James and Peter.

"W-wait, Wormtail?!" Sirius cried with laughter, clutching at his sides with bandaged arms. "So you call him Wormtail?"

"Yup!" Remus chuckled, his own sides splitting from amusement. He wiped a tear from his eye with the back of his hand and looked up as they heard the door opening. The nurse who took Remus's blood that lunchtime walked in, carrying two trays of food (likely the same disgusting mush Remus was used to living off of for years) and giggling to herself. 

"You boys sound like you've been having fun! We can hear you laughing all the way from the nurses' station!"

"Yeah, Rem's awesome!" Sirius grinned as he took the tray from the nurse. Remus then took his own, blushing a little at being called Rem, and took his cutlery.

"Okay, I'll be back to check on you boys in a bit, okay? Eat up, loves!" She headed out of the room with another smile, leaving Remus and Sirius alone once again. 

Glancing up from his plate, Remus watched as Sirius pushed around the food - just sausages and mash - around the plate. The potatoes looked more grey than a fluffy yellow, and the sausages were small, shrivelled, looking more like-

"I can't eat this shit!" Sirius scoffed, leaning over and putting his tray of food on the moving side table next to Remus.

"Well, you need to eat something."

"Yeah, lets just order pizza!" He grinned, picking up his phone and scrolling through it.

"I have, literally no money, Sirius," Remus huffed, returning to poking his own food.

"Well, I do! So, meat feat pizza, garlic bread, and onion rings sound good to you?"

Before Remus could even open his mouth to argue, Sirius turned his phone around to show Remus the 'Order Confirmed' screen on the delivery app, his exuberant grin visible from over the top of his phone.

"Sirius, you dumbass, how the hell are you going to get it?"

"Sneak out, of course! Come on, you've never snuck out of here before?"

_ Yeah, like I could make it three steps down the corridor. _

"Nah, I haven't. Fine, you can sneak off and get it, but we have time for another round of Speed before you have to go!" Remus smiled, pushing that little bit of jealousy to the back of his mind again, savouring the time he had with Sirius while it lasted.

They, in fact, had time for two rounds of Speed before Sirius had to head off to collect their food. He gave Remus a thumbs up, peered each way outside of the door, before dashing off, leaving the door closing softly behind him. 

For the first time in a long time, Remus found himself sucked into the feeling of sudden loneliness. 

He twiddled his thumbs for thankfully only five or so minutes before the door slowly opened again. After half a seconds panic thinking it was a nurse checking on them, his heart lifted and shoulders relaxed. There was Sirius, arms full of food; good, non-hospital food; smiling over the top of the boxes. 

He hopped back onto Remus's bed, taking the same position as before, and they began to open everything up. Even just the smell of the food, pushing away that scent of disinfectant, was enough to make Remus's mouth water. He took a slice of the pizza, inhaling through his nose as he held it in his hands.

"When was the last time you had pizza, then?" Sirius laughed, and Remus sheepishly stopped smelling the food, realising how weird he must have looked.

"Uh, well, back on my 11th birthday, I think? Around then."

"Six years?!"

"Yup."

"Damn..." Sirius murmured a little oddly, and Remus thought he should have lied, just to make it less awkward. However, Sirius grabbed his own slice, raising it in the air dramatically in the way of a toast. "Well then! To good food! And new friends, yes?" He smiled fondly at Remus, who lifted his own slice up as high as he could manage.

"To good food and new friends," Remus smiled back, before taking a bite and smiling even wider.

For the first time in a long time, Remus felt like a normal kid again.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Remus stirred to the sound of the room door softly closing, and the sound of shoes padding over the hospital lino flooring. He kept his eyes screwed shut tight, head burning from the little stream of light between his eyelids.

Slowly, he sat up, easing his eyes open, blinking in the blinding lights of the room. Hazy figures came into focus from across the room. Most clear was Sirius sat up on his own bed, smiling brightly and muttering about something Remus couldn't hear. Sat on the bed beside him was James, chatting animatedly with his friends, being watched over by two older-looking people on hospital chairs next to them.

One of them, the lady, was wearing a gorgeous blue sari, her hair falling in straight black locks over her shoulder, framing her flawless dark skin. She looked a little older than Remus had expected, with a couple of deeper frown lines appearing on her face, but she was no less than stunning.

Beside her was a slightly more frail, but joyful older man, laughing along with the boys on the bed. His skin, in comparison to his wife's, was very pale, sporting more than a few wrinkles but good looking for his age nonetheless. 

Remus presumed these were Sirius and James's parents.

"Oh, he's awake!" Sirius smiled, watching as Remus rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Heyo! Remus, right?" James smirked, waving from across the room.

Remus couldn't help more than an agreeing grumble and a half-hearted smile, and began bending and moving his wrists and arms as best as he could for... for whatever time it was.

"Sorry if we woke you, love," The lady smiled, looking sympathetic. Her voice was soft, but not condescending like some of the nurses. She sounded homely. "We tried to keep quiet. It's about ten now, but you looked so peaceful we thought you ought to sleep in a little!"

"Uh- thanks," Remus smiled, "I haven't slept that well in a while...."

"Well, that's good then!" The man, her husband, presumably, spoke up, clapping once heartily as he did. "I'm Fleamont, and this is my gorgeous wife, Euphemia! But you can call us Effie and Monty! You met James yesterday, yes?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Brill! Well, we'll leave you to wake up a little bit, and you can have Sirius's company back after we're done with him!" He winked once in jest, "Let us know if you want us to grab a nurse, alright kid?"

"Yes- ah, thank you!" Remus managed a large smile, yawning a little as he did and reaching over to his nightstand to grab his phone. 

** New Message: Wormtail (3) **

Unlocking his phone with a grin, Remus read through the messages.

** Morning Moony! Am I good to come and visit today? **

** Okay, you're probably still asleep haha, message me when you're up!! **

** Oh, whatever, I'm coming at 10:30 whether you want me there or not :) **

Feeling no need to reply and hurt his fingers even more, Remus put his phone back down with a smile and grabbed his cup of water instead, sipping slowly as the family before him began to talk.

"So, the offer is on the table if you want to take it, Sirius," Euphemia placed her hands on top of Sirius's.

"Would it not be too much? I feel bad."

"Of course not!"

James turned to his friend, grasping him by the shoulders and shaking him lightly, "Come on, Siri! You've been staying with us pretty much since we left school, and it just means you can make it official now, right? You'll be eighteen and they won't be able to stop you!"

"T-true... Effie, Monty, are you sure it's not too much?" Sirius asked anxiously, head dipping as he did. Fleamont placed his hand on top of his wife's, and James threw his arm around Sirius's shoulders.

"Sirius, you have always been welcome in this family. If we didn't want you staying with us, we wouldn't have offered, okay? You deserve a home where you feel love and accepted and we want to give that to you."

"I..." Sirius trailed off, lost for words, not raising his head to look at his family.

"Look," Fleamont continued, not looking put off by Sirius's hesitation, "We'll leave you to think about it, alright? No pressure to decide right now. The doctor said you might be here for a little while yet anyway, so there's no rush whatsoever!" He smiled, as did Euphemia.

They began to move about and Remus suddenly found his cup the most interesting thing in the room in hopes of not being caught eavesdropping. James insisted he'd stay behind and get the bus home, and Fleamont and Euphemia said their goodbyes to the boys, as well as Remus, before leaving with a smile.

"We know you were listening in," Sirius teased, smirking at Remus from across the room.

"You are going with them, right?" Remus tried to shrug off the embarrassment of being caught, but felt guilty for getting involved as Sirius's face dropped.

"Yeah, Pads, come on, what else are you gonna do? You have no job, and you cannot go back  _ there _ , surely?" said James.

Pushing away the urge to ask where  _ there  _ was, Remus spoke up again.

"Sirius, they really love you. You can tell. And they want to help you, clearly. I- tell me if I'm out of line, but that's really not an opportunity you should pass up."

"I know, but-"

Sirius found himself cut off as the door opened once again, and in walked a short, chubby teen, arms full of chocolates and sweets. He had short, flat, blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and he smiled widely as his eyes found Remus sat on the bed.

"Heya Moony!" The boy, Peter, grinned, dumping the food on the foot of Remus's bed and holding his fist out.

"Hey, Wormy!" Remus held out his own, very sore, fist, bumping his knuckles to Peter's as a way of a greeting.

"That-" Sirius said, "-is the  _ straightest  _ greeting I have  _ ever  _ seen."

Thankfully, Peter laughed it off and ruffled Remus's hair.

"Pete, this is my new roommate Sirius, and his brother James," Remus gestured weakly other to the pair, both still comfortable on the bed (Sirius looking overjoyed at the term 'brother'.) 

Leaping from the bed, James stalked over to Peter, holding a hand out. Peter clasped his own fingers around James', giving a firm handshake.

"James Potter, nice to meet you mate!"

"Peter Pettigrew, but friends call me Wormtail!" 

"Ah, in that case, call me Prongs!" James simpered, before nodding towards Sirius. "And that's Padfoot!"

Sirius's laugh drew Remus's attention from the two boys to him, hand running through his hair and eyes creased with amusement. "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs? What a bunch we are!"

James headed back over to Sirius's bedside, and Peter turned his attention to his friend.

"So, feeling up for a walk today?"

"Maybe just up and down the corridor. I hurt a little too much for anything more than that."

Peter helped Remus from his bed and bought his walking frame from behind the divider curtain for Remus to take a hold of. They left the room, saying a quick goodbye to the other boys and closing the door behind them. 

Through the door, Remus could hear James and Sirius.

"He's really sick, isn't he? Walking frame and everything!"

"Shush, Jamie! Doesn't matter, he's awesome. I like him!"

Smiling to himself, he and Peter made their way slowly down the hall towards the Children's Playroom. Remus rested his weight onto the frame, and Peter stayed close by in case he began to stumble.

"How've you been, then?" Peter smiled hesitantly.

"Well, for the most part. I mean, joints are being a bitch as always, and these new symptoms just... they don't make sense. But Sirius and I had a good laugh last night so that more than makes up for it."

"I'm glad you and him get along. At least it's someone you can speak to this time! What are these new symptoms then?"

"Well," Remus began to read the list he seemed to have tacked up in his mind, "My hair's thinning, light gives me awful headaches and I'm getting rashes. Nothing too bad, just redness on my arms." He held an arm up for a moment, turning it around to show a small, but painfully red rash on his forearm.

"Oh shit. Blood tests showing nothing?"

"Not a thing," Remus wheezed out. He felt his chest tighten a little, and his breathing became a little shallower. "Y-you know... I think that's all I can manage. Can we head back?"

The pair turned around, slowly walking back again, Peter making sure to stay by Remus's side at every step.

"So, tell me more about Sirius," Peter smirked.

"He's wonderful. A really lovely friend," Remus smirked back pointedly.

"Okay, okay, I get the hint! But really, you get along?"

"Yeah. We... We ordered pizza last night and played card games until the nurses came and told us to head to bed, which was pretty chill."

"That's nice."

"Yeah. I felt normal for once, you know? For the first time in a while!" He smiled at Peter as they came to the door of the room once again. 

Looking down to the ground, Peter ruffled his own hair, shuffling from foot to foot. 

"I know it's normally a no-go question, but any appearance from your parents?"

Remus scoffed. "Of course not. I mean, a lady from the respite place came... last week, was it? Just to check on me, but that's it. I'm sure they'll be here to take me back soon enough, once they know what's wrong. I can't wait until I'm 18. I can do what I like then."

"We should get a place together, you know? When we have the money!" 

Peter pushed open the door, letting Remus step in first, pushing the frame in front of him.

On the floor in the centre of the room was Sirius and James, legs outstretched and cards across the ground in front of them.

"Hey lads! Wanna join?" James chirped as they closed the door.

"Yeah! The four of us can play Bullshit!" Sirius excitedly added on.

"You think you can get down there?" Peter asked lowly so the other boys couldn't hear.

"Just give me a hand..."

Peter did just that, lowering Remus to the floor, ignoring the strange and worried looks from the brothers. Once they were all sat on the floor, James gathered up the cards, and Sirius began to explain the rules. 

"So! We're gonna divide the back out between all four of us, and a player's turn consists of putting down one or more cards face down, and calling out their rank - but you can lie about it! The player who takes the first turn must call aces when they put down their card. The second player does the same, and must call twos. It continues like this, increasing rank each time, with aces following kings. If you think someones lied, shout Bullshit! If you're right, then the liar has to take the pile! If you're wrong, then you have to pick it up! Got it?"

"I think so..." Peter mumbled unsurely.

As they began to play, it was clear that Peter did not get it at all, and most rounds ended with intense bouts of laughter from all the boys as one or more of them messed up.

They played and played and played, not noticing as the sun began to set, coating the room in golden light. Remus couldn't help but watch as the orange rays hit Sirius's cheekbones flawlessly, shining on his hair and pale skin, making his eyes bright.

At 8pm, the room door opened to see the Nameless Nurse, as Remus had begun to call her in his mind, standing in the doorway, looking less than impressed.

"Okay, boys, visiting time is over, these two need to rest!" She turned her attention from Peter and James to Remus, still on the floor, squished besides Sirius and Peter. "Remus."

"Yes, yes, I know, shouldn't be on the floor," He grumbled, pushing himself up with the help of the two either side of him.

Peter led him over to his bed, holding his arms as the nurse lifted his legs - Remus wanted to curl up with embarrassment, as Sirius stood staring, but left it at that. The nurse, after giving Remus another scolding, left the group to all say their goodbyes.

"Right, I gotta go to catch the bus anyway!" James clapped Remus on the back, and then Sirius, who was still stood in the centre of the room.

"Well, my mum's picking me up! Get a lift with me, don't worry about the bus!" Peter smiled after hugging Remus briefly and fist-bumping Sirius.

"You sure?"

"Of course!"

With a final wave, they left, leaving Remus and Sirius in a startling silence.

"Can I?" 

Sirius had moved from the centre of the room to beside Remus, gesturing to the bed and jumping on it after a nod from his friend. The sense of normality Remus had felt the night before came back - the day had been amazing! Sirius's parents treated him like a normal kid, he and Peter had their little gossip moment, and he's spent hours playing card games with his new little friendship group. He knew it couldn't last long. As soon as Sirius was better, he and James would be gone, forgetting about the sick teenager they met, and that would be that.

But for now, Remus could just live in the moment.

"How long have they said you'll be here for?" Remus asked, hoping he wasn't overstepping boundaries. He wanted Sirius to stay, of course, but Sirius didn't seem used to hospitals like he was. Hopefully, he would be able to leave soon.

"Who knows? I mean, I have to wait for these-" He raised his bandaged arms a little, "-to heal, and when they think its safe for me to go, then I'm off, I guess? It won't be before my eighteenth, but it won't be too long."

"When's your birthday?"

"November 3rd! We should do something! Get James to bring in a load of food, have a mini party!"

Remus felt his heart swell at the boy's excitement. "Yeah, sounds good! That's only three days away! I haven't been to a birthday party in forever..."

He really hadn't. He went to Peter's 11th birthday party, just before the end of year six, but after that, he's been too ill to go to any he was invited to.

Tilting his head curiously, Sirius's eyes saddened. 

"How long have you been here, then?" He asked, nervousness lingering in his voice.

"What, in this room? Be more specific!" Remus laughed tensely. He knew  _ exactly  _ what Sirius was asking.

"How long have you been in hospital, Rem?"

"This time... about a month, now," Remus answered, tearing his gaze away from Sirius's eyes to stare at his red knuckles.

"This time?"

"Yeah. I mean, I've been in and out since I was five. It got worse when I was eleven, and I was in and out of Respite between hospital and school. Then a month ago I suddenly got worse. Respite workers sent me back here to find out what it is." He shrugged. The last thing he wanted was Sirius's sympathy, and he hoped his voice was level and nonchalant enough to not sound whiny.

"Okay, so you've basically... not had a childhood?"

"Basically."

In one elegant movement, Sirius slipped from the bed, and headed to his bag of things that his parents no doubt bought him that moment. He unzipped it, and pulled out a fluffy rainbow notepad and matching pen, before making his way back to Remus again. He clambered onto the bed again. 

"I'm going to give you a childhood, Remus Lupin!"

"What?"

"Tell me!" He declared, flipping open the notepad to a random page and scribbled a title.  _ Remus's Fun List!!! _ he read upside down. "Tell me everything you've wanted to do since you got ill but were never able to, and we'll do it, alright?"

"Pads, I can't. I haven't done them because I  _ can't _ ."

"No such thing as impossible, my Moony! Trust me! Now, tell me everything!"

With a huff and an eye roll, Remus leant forward and began to think.

Really, there was a lot Remus had missed out on because of pain, or hospital trips, or just generally unattentive parents, and a million ideas for this sudden bucket list flooded into his mind.

"For starters, a birthday party. I've not been to one in so long that I want to do that."

Sirius hastily noted it down, and drew a little box next to it ready to be checked off.

"Then, drink. I've never had alcohol! Respite places don't really allow that sorta thing!" He laughed as Sirius noted it down with an amused headshake. "Uh, picnic? Is that really stupid?

"Of course not!" That then joined the list.

"Then, clothes shopping, first kiss, play the guitar again maybe, and I think that's probably it!"

"Well, I can help you with one of them now!" Sirius winked, puckering his lips a little.

"Ooh, yeah, give me your card details and I'll buy myself some nice clothes!" Remus cackled as Sirius's face dropped. He soon, however, joined in with the laughter. 

After they calmed down, Sirius ripped the list from the notebook and went back over to his bag. He pulled out a small piece of blue tac and stuck the sheet on the wall next to Remus's bed.

"There! We'll get it all done, okay? I promise you!"

"Do you though, Padfoot?" Remus was used to half-hearted promises.  _ You'll get better. We love you the same. You'll come home with us this time. _

"I do!" Sirius smiled, fond and genuine. "Life looks up! Trust me, I know!"

"How?"

Sirius gave a shrug, his smile falling a little sad. "I just do, alright? I just do."

The air felt tense for a moment, and Remus thought he's somehow offended Sirius, before the sad look was gone in an instant, replaced with a blissful, radiant expression. He picked his phone up from where it still laid with the cards on the floor, and flicked through it.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a few calls to make!" He smirked, winked and left the room with a final flick of his hair.

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) ) _ **

**_ get drunk! _ **

**_ cute ass picnic :) _ **

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3) _ **

**_ first kiss ;* _ **

**_ guitar! _ **

**_ <3 _ **


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semi-detailed description of an injection of medication ahead, as a warning!  
> (Fun Fact - The ward names are names of real wards in the Children's Department at my local hospital, and the layout of the hospital is exactly how I remember it to be!)
> 
> Sharps Box = The yellow plastic box, normally kept in a hospital room, but sometimes at home too, for the deposit of needles and hazardous wastes to be properly disposed of!

Remus woke, bleary-eyed, once again to the sound of the door closing.

Pushing himself up off of the bed, he didn't worry himself with the task of looking for the source of the sound - namely who had caused it - instead bending his fingers and moving his wrists a little. To his delight, there was very little aching, pain or heat in his hands, or his legs as he stretched them out a little further. Today would be a good day. He might even be able to walk around a little on his own.

He rubbed at his eyes, stifling a yawn, and looked up to see Sirius tip-toeing across the room towards his bed.

"I'm already awake, Pads!" Remus laughed sleepily, snickering as Sirius jumped a little as the noise.

"Ah, sorry if I woke you," He smiled, rubbing at the back of his neck.

Sirius was no longer in the unshapely hospital gowns he arrived in two days before. Instead, he wore grey joggers hanging low on his hips, accompanied with a black crop top showing off his midriff. His hair, normally falling in waves to his shoulders, was pulled up into a stylishly messy bun, a few strands of dark hair left hanging to frame his face. It looked like, in the darkness of the room and through Remus's tired gaze, as though Sirius had put on eyeliner, too, but he couldn't be too sure from so far away.

"No, it's no bother, I ought to be getting up anyway. Where were you off to?" He added, after a moment, with a blush on his face as he found himself still staring at Sirius, "Nice outfit, by the way."

"Heh, thanks. I thought If I got up and made myself look a little more like me that I'd feel a bit better. I guess it worked a bit? I, uh, had a-" He paused for a moment, almost unnoticeably, "-consultation this morning. Only a short one, about recovery and that while I'm here and when I get discharged. They think I might be able to leave in a week though!" Sirius moved as he spoke, to come and sit on his friend's bed as he had done the day before, and Remus noticed how his eyes flickered over to the list hanging beside his bed for a moment.

If only Remus had faith that he'd be able to do any of it.

"Well, I hope whatever it was went well, and I'm glad you can leave soon!" He smiled with a pang of jealousy. "I miss wearing normal clothes," Remus added absentmindedly, staring at Sirius's crop top as he did.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, I've lived in hospital gowns and oversized boho trousers for years now."

"And I'm sure you look wonderful in them!" Sirius winked at him in an attempt to cheer him up - which Remus would never admit actually worked.

"Ha! I wish," He scoffed, "Just- I wanna wear jeans again! Or a really comfy sweater that doesn't drown me, rather than some old man cardigan. Or a shirt, like something really nice and fancy! I want to wear something that makes me feel good, even if it's a pain in the ass to get on and off."

Sirius looked at him oddly, and Remus could tell he was trying to work out what was wrong with him. It wasn't as though he was  _ trying  _ to hide it from Sirius, not really. It was just nice to be treated as 'Remus' for once, not 'Remus, with the swollen joints and buckets of medication and walking frame when he's getting bad again'.

"It's fine!" Exclaimed Sirius, strange look in his eyes gone and replaced with a shining smile, "I promise-"

For what felt like the umpteenth time since Sirius had arrived in the little room on the ward, they were interrupted by the room door swinging open.

In the doorway wasn't a nurse like Remus had normally expected, or James as he's become accustomed to over the past couple of days. Instead, it was James's girlfriend, as Remus recognised from the prom photo. Her hair, however, was pulled into two space buns, and she wasn't in some elaborate prom dress. Rather, she wore a pink polo shirt tucked into mom jeans. In her hands was a black case, a guitar case if Remus assumed right, and she bounced over to the bedside and hugged Sirius.

"Heya, Siri! Sorry it's not Prongs! Colleges start back up today, and he had morning classes. I'm not in until this afternoon." She seemed the opposite of James; calm, organized. They were a perfect couple, Remus could tell.

"It's all good, Lily! It's good to see you!" Sirius's face lit up and he pulled her in for another hug.

Her face dropped suddenly, and a worried look spread over her face. 

"James- uh, he told me about what happened, Sirius. We-"

"Hey, Lily," He grabbed her hand, both blissfully unaware of Remus watching on awkwardly. "I'm fine. I'm here, safe, and honestly, it was just really stupid. It won't happen again."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Lily's face glowed at the words, clearly trusting him.

"Well, that's good then! And, I mean, it's a nice ward! You couldn't really be staying anywhere nicer. I walked past the playrooms on my way up here and they looked really good. Sunflower Ward, is it?"

"Puffin, actually." Remus corrected with a smile, and the redhead turned to face him. "Sunflower ward is for Elective Surgery and is just down the corridor, and then the Dolphin Ward for the under-fives is just beyond that!"

"I'm sorry! I've been really rude, not saying hello," Lily laughed, shaking her head at herself, "I'm Lily, I'm the one keeping the Potter Brothers in check most of the time! Nice to meet you."

"It's no worries, and likewise! I'm Remus," He smiled fondly back, taking the hand Sirius had now let go of for a handshake.

"Well!" She declared with excitement, "I can't stay to chat, but I'll be back for the 3rd, alright? Your friend messaged me about plans!"

_ Plans? Was this why Sirius was on the phone for hours yesterday? _

"Yeah, I'll confirm everything tomorrow to make sure no one forgets anything," Sirius smiled, eyes flickering to Remus for a moment.

"Okay. Well, I just came to drop this off," She smirked, hoisting the black guitar case and laying it across Sirius's lap. Instantly, he leant forward, draped over the case and hugging it dramatically, forehead bumping on Remus's legs under the sheets.

"My baby!"

"A flair for the dramatics, as always," Lily rolled her eyes, smiling at Remus.

"Oh yes, I expect to see more of that over the next week or so!"

"Just wait until his birthday! Then you'll see dramatic." She gave a last chuckle as Sirius continued to pour compliments and pet names to his guitar. "Oi! Pads! Gimmie another hug before I have to go!"

Sirius, peeling himself away from the case, gave Lily another hug.

"See you soon, Lils. I'll text you, yeah?"

"Yup!" She now turned to Remus, placing her hand on his shoulder. "It was lovely to meet you, Remus, if only briefly!"

Remus said his goodbyes, and as the door closed behind Lily as she left, Sirius's pale hand darted out to the zip on the case, and he began to yank it open eagerly.

"So, Lily is nice!" Remus tried to engage Sirius in conversation, hoping he'd slow down a little.

"Mhm." He hummed absentmindedly, not looking up and continuing to open the case.

"She's really pretty."

"Yup."

"Like, stunning."

"Hmm."

"I really wish she was single..."

"Uh-huh," Sirius finished, before flipping open the lid. He pulled out an acoustic guitar with fervour, throwing the case to the ground and no less than hugging the instrument. "Baby! You're back to me!"

The guitar was beautiful - glossy and white with a rainbow fabric strap. Across the body was a countless number of stickers, from a rubber duck with a bowtie, to vapourware themed designs.

"Y-you didn't listen to a word I said, did you?" Remus laughed as Sirius bought the strap over his head and gripped the neck loosely with his left hand.

"Nope. Not one," He grinned, and proceeded to play the opening few chords to Fade Into You by Mazzy Star. He finished, and finally looked back up to Remus. "Are you alright to swing your legs over the side of the bed?"

"Uh, I think so?" 

Remus pushed the sheets down and straightened out his pyjamas he'd changed into the night before. Opting to stay in his nightclothes rather than change into another hospital gown, he swung his legs over to the edge of the bed, stretching them out for a moment.

"You feel up to playing?" Sirius smiled, still cross-legged at the foot of the bed.

"I mean, I do, but Sirius, I've not played since I was 12! Maybe even earlier! I don't even think I can remember any chords!"

"That's okay, I'll show you!

"Sirius, you don't need to-"

"No, Remus." Said Sirus, voice grave. "I told you that you'd get to do the things you've wanted to do for a long time and I will help you, okay? So trust me. I've been told I'm a brilliant teacher!" He added with smugness in his voice.

The idea of learning to play again was too tempting, and frankly, Sirius was too exhausting to argue with.

"Fine, fine..." Remus shook his head, knowing he couldn't argue his way out of it now. 

"So, what do you want to play?"

"Well..." Remus drew out, pondering for a moment, before answering, "Vicious, if it's a good one to start with. Lou Reed. If you know it, that is?"

"Do I know Lou Reed?! I dunno, do I have black hair?" He laughed. "But, might be difficult for your first song. Or at least your first song in a while..." Sirius hummed, slipping his hands over his hair and pulling the locks out from the bun. They fell back down effortlessly, and Remus couldn't help but stare in awe. Sirius shifted around on the bed, mimicking Remus's position and dangling his legs over the edge. He sat closer than necessary, thigh pressed against his friends, and Remus felt his breath catch in his throat and could only pray that Sirius hadn't heard.  _ This was definitely a bad idea... _ He thought as he looked away from his friend and out of the window unheeding.

"How about Your Song, instead? Elton John? Easy chords, strumming pattern is simple and it's a classic! Everyone loves it, right?" Sirius smiled. Remus found his attention caught by the gorgeous boy again, sat so close, looking at smiling eyes and thin pink lips.

"Sure," Remus said, as much as he wanted to oppose to learning a song like that with Sirius.

Without warning, Sirius clambered further onto the bed, kneeling behind Remus and reaching over him for the guitar.

"H-hey!"

Sirius laughed, "Chill, Moons! Just need to get you to hold it right!" He took the instrument, and positioned it on Remus's lap, guiding his hands to where they needed to be. 

"I know how to hold it! I'm disabled, not dim-witted!"

"So..." He mumbled by Remus's ear.

Sirius was so close! So  _ unbearably _ close! His chest was pressed flush with Remus's back, head leaning over his right shoulder and hair brushing against his cheek. Warmth rose to Remus's face as Sirius placed his hands on top of his own, lining his long, thin, pale fingers with his friends, and pushed Remus's fingers down onto the fretboard.

"It goes D, G Major 7th, A, F Sharp Minor for the first line..." Sirius murmured almost to himself, breath tickling Remus's ear as he spoke each word. "This... that's a D," He positioned Remus's fingers on the frets and pressed lightly, "Keep pressing down and strum."

Remus did as he was told, and was blessed with an in-tune note ringing around the room. Looking to Sirius, he beamed, met with proud eyes looking back at him.

"There you go! It'll be fine! So, if we try the G Major, with your fingers here..." He moved his fingers again over the fretboard, but Remus found himself distracted again with the warmth from Sirius and his lips to close to his neck.

The dull ache and heat in his hands and wrists were still there, but the feeling of the guitar in his hands made it all worth it. Sirius continued to guide him over the instrument, moving his hands, checking momentarily that he was comfortable enough to continue. Remus realised, after Sirius check for the fourth time, that he could be in the most excruciating amount of pain, and he would never turn down the opportunity to play with Sirius. His heart warmed every time Sirius checked that he was okay, so unused to people caring for him that much while treating him like a normal person.

"There you go! I think you should be good to play now! Why don't you-"

"Oh, sorry to bother you, boys!"

Remus looked up from where his and Sirius's hands laid on top of one another on the fretboard to the doorway, where the Nameless Nurse stood, a tray in one hand and a yellow Sharps Box in the other. She looked rather flushed, and Remus couldn't tell if it was from being rushed off of her feet, or from finding the pair in an easily mistakable position.

"It's no bother, Em!" Sirius grinned, still holding onto Remus's hand and keeping pressed against his back.

_ Em! So  _ that  _ was her name! _

"Sorry, Sirius, but you're going to have to hop onto your own bed for a bit, love." She smiled sadly, walking further into the room and placing the tray and box onto the moving bedside table. "I've just got to get this done before they come and bring you lunch, and then you can get back to your impromptu band practice, alright?"

"That time of the week again already, is it?" Remus sighed as Sirius hopped from his bed, guitar in hand and strolled over to his own bed.

"Afraid so, Mr Lupin. Now, where shall it be this week?"

"Well, last week was right thigh, so it's abdomen today." Remus pulled up his pyjama top a little, and pinched about an inch of the skin ready.

"Does- uh, does anyone mind if I play for a bit?" Sirius asked sheepishly from across the room.

"Actually, Pads, that'd be great, if you could..." Remus felt the nerves beginning to rise as Em swiped an alcohol wipe across the piece of pinched skin.

With nothing more than a nod and a reassuring smile, Sirius began playing what Remus recognised as a Front Bottoms song. He didn't accompany it with singing (Remus was sure to ask him to sing for him in the future) but stayed strumming along happily, grinning at him.

Remus tried to watch Sirius, and Sirius alone, but was distracted by the movement next to him. 

Em, the nurse, opened up a packet and pulled out a syringe from within it. She inspected it, to make sure it was okay, before picking up a small vial from the tray.

"I'm still on the full 25 milligrams, aren't I?"

"Afraid so, kiddo."

Pushing the end of the needle into the rubber stopper, she flipped them upside down and pulled on the tail end of the syringe. The amber liquid filled the barrel, and she pulled the needle from the vial.

Sirius kept playing, now onto a new song, and humming along to it.

"Ready?" The nurse asked, pressing the cold tip of the needle against Remus's stomach, where he still kept it pinched. 

"Go for it," He shrugged, still wincing as he watched the thin metal slide under his skin, flinching at the pain. Em pushed on the plunger, and Remus had to look away. His eye's caught Sirius's, who was still playing, but sloppier as he watched on at the injection, wide-eyed and anxious.

If this didn't bring up questions, he wasn't sure what would.

Before he knew it, the needle was being pulled back out, and a cotton ball was pressed to the spot. Remus stopped pinching his skin, taking the cotton for himself and looking up to the nurse.

"You know the drill, lovey. Keep the pressure on it unless you want it to bruise, and it'll be happening again same time next week." 

She dropped the now used needle into the Sharps Box, and put the box into the tray to carry.

"Why not just leave the Sharps Box here? I mean, it's normally left here, right? It's just that the other one was full."

"We can't keep Sharps Boxes in your room for the time being, Remus." She responded matter-of-factly, eyes subconsciously flickering over to Sirius on the bed, no longer strumming on the guitar. She clapped once, plastered on a smile, and picked up the tray and box. "Right, Sirius, someone will be in after lunch to check your stitches, and they might be able to be taken out in a day or so! Someone will be back with your lunches in about half an hour or so, alright?" She finished, and exited the room, leaving an uncomfortable silence behind.

"So, what was all that about, Moony?" Sirius said after a moment.

"Hospital etiquette, Padfoot," Remus hummed halfheartedly.

"Ah, yes, yes. I forgot. Can I come back over there?"

"Go for it!"

Leaping off the bed, guitar still in hand, Sirius made his way to the other side of the room. Though, instead of jumping straight onto Remus's bed, he went to the side table, picking up the pen he'd left there the night prior, and made a scribble on the list beside him. Then, he sat on the bed, legs swung over to he was sat as he was before Em turned up.

"Wanna try and play again?"

"My hands hurt a little, now," Remus admitted, "I'd love to hear you sing, though!"

Sirius did just that, playing Grey by Stella Donelly wonderfully, singing just as beautifully. 

Maybe it was selfish, but Remus never wanted Sirius to leave.

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) ) _ **

**_ get drunk! _ **

**_ cute ass picnic :) _ **

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3) _ **

**_ first kiss ;* _ **

**_ guitar!  _ ** ✔

**_ <3 _ **


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our first little snippet of angst~
> 
> Mentions of child abuse, past suicide attempts and neglect (maybe not but will point it out anyway)

Remus's hand tightened a little more on his pen, smiling as it hurt a little less than normal. The day after the Methotrexate dose was always the best. He skimmed over the page before him, jotting down numbers as he did, swapping between writing and chewing a little on the end of his pen. He tried to stay focused - brain teasers and puzzle books were his favourites, normally.

But every pause, every lapse in his train of thought had his mind wandering back to strangely familiar dark hair and shining eyes.

Sirius was fastly becoming a part of Remus he never wanted to lose, even after only 3 days of friendship. He had an ability to make him smile in ways he'd forgotten, make him laugh until he ached delightfully, loved and cared for him in so much that he wondered if anyone else ever even had had. 

He glanced to his side for a moment, smiling as he saw the ripped notebook page to his bedside, with 'guitar!' now checked off.

Yesterday had been amazing. After his dosage, and then lunch, another nurse had come in to check Sirius over (behind the separator curtain), before leaving them to it again. They took turns playing on the guitar, but Remus found it far more enjoyable to lay back watch Sirius get sucked into the music, body swaying and lips curling in a smile as he strummed on the strings.

He'd fallen asleep content, whatever pain lingering in his bones no longer bothering him.

Sirius seemed to work better than any medication he'd been on. It wasn't foolproof, of course. Remus wasn't stupid enough to believe that; but somehow, friendship and compassion seemed to be a drug that was better than Methofill or Metoject.

He smiled once again, before looking back to the puzzle.

The sound of the door slamming echoed around the room around half an hour later, startling Remus and drawing his attention away from the sudoku he was working on.

Sirius was in the middle of the room, pacing back and forth, tugging at his hair and grumbling to himself. He was in the same clothes as yesterday, with his hair falling a little messier than normal. Tear tracks stained his cheeks and he looked flushed. Seething.

"Uh, consultation didn't go well?" Remus asked nervously.

"No, it didn't fucking go well! He pisses me off! I don't need a damn therapist, okay?! I already said I was wrong and dumb but  _ no _ , I'm still treated like a little kid!"

"Therapist?"

His face was tense. Angry. A fire of rage burnt behind his steel grey eyes. 

He didn't respond, just continued to pace back and forth.

"Padfoot..?"

" _ What _ , Remus?!"

"Come and sit, please?" He asked, a little tremble in his voice. He was used to angry and stressed roommates, of course, and he often just told them what he'd want to hear - but this was different. This was Sirius. Sirius meant something.

Huffing and grumbling under his breath, Sirius stormed over to Remus's side of the room, jumping on the bad with no sense of grace and bringing his legs to his chest dramatically.

"Now what?" He hissed, not looking Remus in the eye.

"W-why don't you tell me what's wrong, okay? Just to me. I'm not here to psychoanalyze you or whatever. Just- maybe you venting might... get it out your system, you know?" Remus shrugged. He desperately hoped he was approaching this right, and avoiding annoying Sirius even more.

However, the anger and annoyance on his face were instantly replaced with pure anxiety.

"Oh my god, Rem! I'm so sorry! You- you seem to go through so much and I'm here getting stressed over nothing-"

"Pads! If it's stressing you out, it's not nothing, okay? Let's try something."

"What?" Sirius whispered meekly, meeting Remus's gaze with heavy eyes. He stretched his legs out a little so his ankles brushed against Remus's, legs tangling slightly together in comfort.

"So, we take it in turns to say a sentence, something we want to vent about or just tell the other person. Then, you don't feel like you're just dumping stuff on me."

Remus remembered the first time he did that; with his therapist when he was 12. It never really helped, not when they were there to talk about his illness, because that was never what bothered him. But talking about family with counsellors never ended well for anyone - not with safeguarding in place.

But maybe, if they were just talking as friends, as roommates, Sirius might feel a little better in the end. And really, wasn't that all that mattered?

"Can I come and sit next to you..?"

"Hm?"

"I, uh, I don't want to be able to see you. Or know you can see me."

Confused, but obliging, Remus shuffled to the edge of his bed, and Sirius shuffled about on the sheets to take the seat next to him. There wasn't really enough room for the two of them on a tiny single bed, and Sirius's thigh ended up half on Remus's, pressed shoulder to shoulder and side to side. Sirius stared straight ahead as his own bed, and Remus fought against the urge to turn his head and watch his friend.

"I'll go first then..." He sighed. "I tried to come out to my parents but it didn't really go well," Remus said after a moment, as if it was no big deal. It wasn't, really.

"I-I got outed to my family. Also didn't really go well." Sirius stuttered, voice small.

"I've had injections every week for five years now, and they still scare me. That's why I had to get you to play the guitar yesterday."

"I've never been in hospital before, until this week."

"Never?" Remus asked, edging on disbelieve.

Sirius, huffing out an unamused laugh, shook his head once. "Nope. Never. My birth family never took me. Told me my injuries taught me a lesson."

"Uh, my family only consists of my mother and father, neither of whom liked the hospital enough to stay when I needed treating."

"My family gave me most of the injuries that 'taught me lessons'."

Remus paused, mouth falling a little agape. From the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius look over anxiously, lip between his teeth and eyes sad. Wanting nothing more than to wrap the boy in a hug and press him to say more, he sighed. Instead, Remus bought his arms around himself, hugging his own chest tightly, and shuffled down to lay his head on Sirius's shoulders. He felt the boy un-tense a little, and wondered if Sirius saw the action as the love and apologies it was intended to be.

"My parents dump my off at Respite when- well, when I get too ill. If I'm too much effort to look after, but I'm not needed to stay in the hospital, they take me to this private care home for a bit."

Suddenly, a hand gripped Remus's wrist, but Sirius made no other move, as to not disturb the friend laying on him. Remus winced a little as Sirius's hand gripped him.

"They do  _ what _ ?!"

"Yeah. I guess they'd rather be broke but free, rather than stuck at home with a disabled kid." He shrugged.

"I'm sorry," Sirius shook his head as best as he could with Moony's head still on his shoulder, "But who the hell would abandon their kid, their wonderful, lovely, gorgeous, talented boy, just because he needs looking after a little more?!" Sirius was seething once again, and Remus panicked. His plan had backfired drastically. 

"I-I mean, I get it-" Remus tried to salvage the situation and calm Sirius down again, "I need... I need more than just a little extra care, Sirius. It's hard to look after me, you know?"

There was a pause. Silent. Rather scary, really, is Remus admitted. He half expected Sirius to jump up, screaming and ranting and raging once again, on Remus's behalf, rather than his own.

"Why do you need extra care, Rem?" Sirius finally asked after a moment, voice once again soft and quiet, as though he was partly hoping Remus wouldn't hear him ask. However, Remus did hear him, loud and clear, and couldn't bring himself to nag Sirius on the unspoken hospital etiquette once again.

"I have something called rheumatoid arthritis, but it gets shortened to RA. It's a long-term condition that causes pain, swelling and stiffness in the joints, basically. Hurts like a bitch. I have good days, bad days, bad weeks, it all just depends."

"That's why you're here then? Bad few weeks?"

"Not really," Remus began again, wondering slightly in the back of his mind why exactly he was telling Sirius all of this. "Mother and Father left me at this Respite home a couple of months back. It was all fine, or as fine as I can be, I guess. The pain was beginning to settle a little more and then my parents were going to come and get me. You know, easier to care for when I wasn't as bad and all that. But then I got worse?"

"Worse?" Sirius asked, voice soft with worry.

"Yeah. Just, small things, I guess. Like I was getting more sensitive to light, for a start. I was coming up with rashes, too." He pulled up the sleeve of his pyjamas to show a redness spreading over his arms. "I was getting it on my face, too, this blotchy red rash. But that seems to have died down a little. Other times I'd get out of breath really easily and end up wheezing when I walked. It wasn't always, but that aren't normal RA symptoms. So, I was bought back here."

Sirius inhaled a breath sharply. He tilted his head to rest his cheek on Remus's head, moved his hand to hold his.

"And that stuff yesterday, the injection. Does that help?"

"Sort of? I feel better today, like I could get up and walk about without a frame or holding onto anyone, and it'll likely last two or so days. But that only helps the arthritis. These other symptoms, though... yeah, it does nothing for them."

"Aren't you scared?" He pressed his cheek a little further into Remus's hair, and squeezed his hand.

"Not really. RA already puts me at risk of cardiac problems and cuts my life a little short," Remus shrugged. "I don't mean that morbidly, though! I mean, It can't get much worse, and I have faith they'll find out what's wrong and help me however the can, you know? Save the NHS and all that."

They fell into silence, other than the sound of Sirius's small breaths, and Remus's slightly harsher ones. Remaining against one another, Remus shuffled so that he was on his side, his head now on Sirius's chest and arm over his waist. Sirius's other hand that wasn't holding Remus's came around his friends back, and they stayed huddled together on top of the sheets. 

Remus buried himself against Sirius, finding himself encased by the boy's warmth and scent - nothing like disinfectant and bad hospital food, but instead his aftershave, and what Remus guessed was apple-scented shampoo. For a moment, there was no hospital, no illness or medication, or bad parents and found family. There were simply two boys, together against all the odds. 

After a long moment, longer than Remus could note, Sirius spoke up.

"I tried to kill myself."

Remus's grip tightened a little on Sirius. 

He guessed that, really.

But Sirius said it so matter of factly, louder than anything he's said to Remus about his illness, as if it was nothing.

"Oh."

"Obviously wasn't very good at it," Sirius snorted humourlessly. "I- my mother wasn't very nice growing up. You know, dad coming home with lipstick stains on his neck, mum drinking herself to the ends of the earth, the expected from a not quite broken home, really. I have a brother, Reg. Love him to bits, I really do. Well, we were hit and locked in rooms and all that when we were kids."

He paused, and Remus waited for him to continue.

"Regulus is a year younger, and we both went to boarding school. How I met James, you know? It was amazing, then we went home for holidays, but we got through it together. Then in year 11, a cousin in a younger year, a spiteful little bitch she was, saw a picture of me at prom, slow dancing with some guy. Nothing happened between me and him, you know, but she showed the family and..."

"It didn't end well?"

"Not one bit. I upped and left. Packed up what I could and headed out."

Sirius took in a shaky breath, and Remus looked up to see a single tear slipping down his cheek.

"I regret every single day for not taking Reg with me. But I can't change the past and that's that. He hated me for a good while, when I ran to James's, but we, over the past few months, are talking a lot more. It's going... well. Then," Sirius choked back a sob, pulling his hand from his place within Remus's to cover his mouth in a desperate attempt not to cry. Yet again, Remus hugged Sirius tighter, and his friend reciprocated. Sirius, after another unsteady breath, dropped the tension from his shoulders.

"I found out five days ago that my mother and father had passed away in a car crash, and Regulus was being put in the system. I lost it, I guess..." He shrugged. "James found me, bless him, and I literally owe him my life."

"The Sharps Box..." Remus mumbled absentmindedly against Sirius's chest, feeling Sirius's shallow laugh vibrate through him.

"Yup. I guess they thought I might try and off myself again." He chuckled, rather inappropriately, Remus assumed, but he wouldn't judge other peoples coping mechanisms.

"And do you? Wanna try again?"

"No."

"Good."

"I found out that I can get Reg back. Once I'm 18, I can become his guardian. You know, once I have a house, and job and everything. It'll only be for a year, but I can't leave him there. I left him alone once and I won't do it again."

Remus reached up, wiping the tears from Sirius's face with his thumb kindly.

"You'll get him back. I have faith in you."

"And you'll get better. I have faith in you."

Wanting to turn around and say 'well, I can't get better', Remus bit his tongue, instead smiling up at Sirius. 

They stayed for a while, cuddled together, hand in hand on the tiny hospital bed. Remus couldn't think of anywhere better to be.

"You know," Sirius began again, "I don't think I could do it again. Or want to. I mean, James's family want me to move in properly, I can get Reg back, and I have you. Far better than stressing about dead parents that I didn't even like..."

"That's a good way to look at it. But remember, things like that aren't going to totally fix your mental health, Pads."

Another shallow chuckle.

"Funnily enough, that what my therapist told me."

Remus's head snapped back into action, and he gave a sharp bark of laughter, starling Sirius a little.

"Oh yeah! That's how this all started! What did he say to annoy you that much?"

"He told me exactly that. He said that I needed to find reasons to live for myself, and not for other people."

"He's right," Remus agreed, "You were talking to him about Reg?"

"No."

"Oh."

_ Please don't be me, Pads, please don't be living for me _ , a voice in his head cried desperately, and he chewed on his lip at to not go screeching the words himself. More than likely, it was James or Lily, but the small nagging voice in the back of his mind would not cease.

"We'll get out of here, you know? They'll know what's wrong with you and they'll see how happy I am, and we'll go."

Sighing a little hopelessly, Remus looked up to Sirius. "You'll be able to go in a few days. I'll be lucky if they know what's wrong with me in a month."

"And when you know, I'll be by your side walking out of those door with you, okay? I promise you that."

"You seem to promise a lot, Sirius.

Suddenly, and leaving Remus uncomfortably slouched on the bed, Sirius jumped up, snatching his pen from the side and walking over to the sheet stuck to the wall. He scribbled vigorously, before slamming the pen back down with a smile.

"There! I can't break the promise now! Fancy a walk?" He asked in one breath, grabbing Remus's walking frame before waiting for a response.

"I guess so," He mumbled with a chuckle, swinging his legs to the side of his bed.

_ How could someone abuse such a perfect kid _ , Remus thought as Sirius was straight at his side, hoisting him up and staying at his side as they slowly walked to the door. Sirius opened said door with a smile, putting on a show with a flourishing arm and a bow.

"I'm craving iced coffee! Think you can make it to the Costa down the hall?" He asked, stepping in time with Remus not so painful shuffles.

"If you're paying!" Remus laughed, delighted as Sirius laughed along with him.

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) ) _ **

**_ get drunk! _ **

**_ cute ass picnic :) _ **

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3) _ **

**_ first kiss ;* _ **

**_ guitar!  _ ** ✔

**_ walk out of here with me next to you <3<3 _ **

**_ <3 _ **


	5. Chapter 5

Are you coming to visit at any point? I'm back in the Puffin Ward. Room 3110. 

**Sorry love, your dad and I are rushed off our feet with work so we don't really have time. x**

Okay.

**I promise you'll come home with us this time though. No Respite this time. x**

"Yeah, not likely." Remus scoffed, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He was used to that excuse by now. He put his phone back onto his nightstand, flexing his fingers as he did so. In the background, Sirius was still snoring lightly in his bed, curled up into a tight ball and a tired smile playing on his lips. 

Pushing himself up, Remus bought his legs over to the side of the bed, standing shakily, but grinning nonetheless. No need for a frame today, he realised, taking small but determined steps over to the door. 

He opened it quietly, keeping focused on the sleeping form on the other side of the room, as to not disturb his friend from his slumber. He stepped out, closed the door, and let out a deep breath. Only then did Remus realise he was still in his nightwear - now consisting of garishly patterned boho trousers and a baggy The Ramones t-shirt Peter had bought him for his birthday two years prior. Hopefully no one would think any different (then again, he'd learnt that when you flash your hospital wrist band to anyone around, you could normally get away with anything. He could come dressed as a clown and it wouldn't have mattered.)

Steadily, he made his way down the corridor, turning to head down another route every now and then, often pausing at a corner to catch his breath and rest his legs. He clung to the grey handrails on the side of the wall, less for support and more for familiarity and comfort, smiling even as the pain in his legs intensified. 

He turned another corner, and came face to face with messy hair and large glasses.

"'Ello Moony! You alright? I almost smacked right into you there!" James chirped, worried. He was in jeans and a patterned shirt, and had a carrier bag in each hand, full with who knows what.

"Yeah, I'm alright. How are you?"

"I'm great! Where are you off to? Shouldn't- uh, don't you need your frame or..." He trailed off, a slight blush on his cheeks.

"Nah," Remus assured with a smile in hopes of making James at least a little less embarrassed. "I'm alright today, just need to take it slow. I do need to get going, though, I wanna get back before Sirius wakes up." He took another step, trying to move around James, just to wince as he tried to bend his knee. Within a moment, James had moved both bags to one hand, and turned so he was next to Remus, facing down the corridor he'd just walked up. He reached out to take Remus's arm, who yanked it away, slow, painful and desperate. "Thanks, James, but I don't need looking after-"

"Of course not! Just, let me come with you, ay? I'm a bit early anyway if Pads is still asleep."

"Okay..."

They walked down the corridor once again, in silence, other than the sound of their shoes (James's shoes, Remus's slippers) hitting the floor, and the ever so quiet beeping from the monitors within the rooms they passed.

"Where are you off to, anyway?" James asked as they turned the corner, halting, realising the sight answered for himself.

"The shops," Remus smiled, heading to the brightly coloured store before them. James followed in a small jog before catching up with a surprisingly fast Remus.

Remus headed straight for the cards and gifts, and James shook his head knowingly.

"You know, Rem, you could have text me, or Lily or Peter if you wanted to get Sirius a card!" He smiled, standing next to Remus in front of the card stand. Remus leant forward, picking up a red card with a black cartoon puppy on the front, holding a 'Happy Birthday' banner.

"Well, I don't have yours or Lily's numbers, and I didn't want to make Wormy come back after only being here a couple of days ago, I guess! It's fine, it's nice to pick it out myself."

"But Pete's gonna be here today, so it wouldn't have mattered anyway?" James said curiously, eyebrow raised and head tilted. 

"Huh?"

His eyes narrowed a little, before widening.

"Oh bollocks! It was a surprise!" He cried, now shaking his head in exasperation.

"What was?" Remus asked, thoroughly confused. He began to walk over to the tills, card in hand, glancing back as a very annoyed James caught up to him.

"Sirius's party! We were trying to keep it a surprise from you!"

"You were... trying to keep _Sirius's_ birthday party a surprise. From _me_. And not _him_?"

"Well, of course! He's the one who organized it! He called me and asked me to contact Pete, and thank god I got his number when he took me home the other day! Then he added me, Lily, and Peter into a group chat to plan it all! Pete's bringing food, Lily's bringing drinks and I bought extras. I was gonna sneak into his room so we could set up before you woke up," He finished with a huff and a smile, still shaking his head at himself.

Remus handed the card to the cashier, and James tossed some money onto the counter before he could even argue. They took the card, and headed to a table outside of the cafe opposite the convenience store. Sitting opposite one another, Remus opened the card, and James handed him a pen from within one of the bags. He began to write, listening to James still cursing at himself with laughter.

"Man, are you writing an essay in there or what!" James laughed goodnaturedly as he watched Remus write more than normally expected in a card.

"Come on," Remus smiled, closing the card and slipping it into the gold envelope it came with, "Let's head back to the room, maybe he'll still be asleep."

Outside of the hospital room door was Lily and Peter. Pete had another carrier bag, and Lily had a fourth. They said hello to Remus, hugging him briefly (and Lily kissing James eagerly, much to the mild disgust from Remus and Pete, who couldn't help but laugh a little as they did). 

They slipped into the room, the four of them smirking at one another as Sirius gave a snore when the door closed. The others insisted Remus stayed in his bed, for the time being, considering he'd just walked the length of the ward and back, and they wanted him to have enough energy for the day. He did just that, making his way to his bed as the others set up around him. James strung up rainbow bunting, and Lily and Peter moved Remus's side-table to the back of the room, emptying the food, drinks and disposable cutlery onto the top ready for people to help themselves.

It was modest, of course, but Remus couldn't stop smiling. Sirius had really set all this up for him? Surely not...

Sirius finally, after a last snore, sat up and stretched.

"Happy birthday, Padfoot!" James screeched, tackling Sirius, who was still barely awake, into a tight hug.

"Ge' off you big lump!" He laughed, nudging James, but still hugging back. Finally, after birthday beats, of course, James let go of Sirius, climbing from the bed and letting Sirius join him, stood in the middle of the room. He hugged Lily, and then Peter, before coming over to Remus's bed. He bent down, wrapping his arms around Remus, who reciprocated. 

"Well, would you look at that!" Sirius smirked, overexaggerated, staying hugging Remus. "I had _no idea_ they were throwing me a party!"

"James already gave it away, Pads!" Remus laughed by the older boys ear.

"Oh, for god's sake, Prongs!" He shouted, amused, followed by protests and apologies from James behind them.

"Happy birthday, Sirius," Remus whispered, pulling his friend in a little tighter. 

"Thanks, Remy..." He whispered back, nuzzling a little into Moony's neck. Heat rushed to his face, and he pulled back fast without another thought. Sirius looked hurt, confused, and Remus began to panic a little. 

"H-here!" He smiled forcefully, snatching the envelope from his pillow and passing it to Sirius. The older boy smiled brightly, eyes shining as he opened it up and read it.

**To Sirius!**

**You better damn appreciate this - I woke up so early to walk to the shop haha! But, you're worth it, so...**

**Happy 18th Birthday, Pads!!**

**I've only known you for five days now, but I don't know what I'd do without you! You've become such a huge part of my life in such a short amount of time, and I wouldn't change a thing about it! (Except how we met. If only that would have been a little different.)**

**Have a good day! I promise you'll have so much fun, even if we're in that little room with Lily, James and Peter all day! It'll be great. Trust me <3 **

**All my love and hugs, Moony! xx**

"Rem..." Sirius choked out, diving back down for another hug, the card still clutched in his fist. "Thank you so much. I'm so glad I met you."

"I'm glad I met you too, Siri," Remus chuckled fondly.

"Alright, alright!" James laughed, disturbing the pair by the bed and pulling their attention back to the other three friends in the room. "Enough soppiness! How about a round of Uno and some food?" He grinned, holding up the game.

Lily connected her phone to a speaker James had bought with him, playing music that was so undoubtedly Sirius, Remus wondered if it was a playlist made specifically for him. It was a mix of indie, 70s rock and classic emo stuff, all music he'd played for Remus two days before. The five of them sat down onto the floor (Remus thankfully helped by Sirius and Peter) as James dealt out the cards.

They played a few rounds before they all became peckish, and Peter moved a lot of the food from the table to the floor. A couple of times, they were interrupted by nurses checking on them, making sure the boys were okay and taking the time to lecture Remus on being on the floor once again. Once assured they were fine and wouldn't need lunch, they left with a happy shake of their heads and a smile.

They ate, helping themselves to sausage rolls, mini sandwiches, sweets and chocolate, before James, seemingly from nowhere, pulled out a cake with candles on it. He couldn't light them - hospital policy, of course - but the four friends proceeded to sing to Sirius, and he, rather flustered at the attention, pretended to blow out the candles.

"So," James began, mouth full of cake. The game had been abandoned while they ate, and they'd just talked about any and everything in the meantime. "Remus, what's the love life like? Any girlfriend to speak of?" 

Remus didn't miss the side glance he gave to Sirius from the corner of his eyes.

"Sirius didn't tell you? I'm gay, James!" Remus laughed, slightly shocked that it hadn't already been discussed between them.

"O-oh yeah, he might have mentioned..." He lied, snickering and rubbing the back of his neck.

"So then," Lily spoke up, not giving Remus a chance to ask why James had lied. "Are, uh, you two a thing?" She asked with a smile, nodding towards himself and then Peter.

He and Peter looked at each other, straight-face and boring into one another's eyes, before Peter's lip twitched. That was all it took, and both boys erupted into painful bouts of laughter.

"H-hah! Yes! P-Peter, my soulmate!" Remus cackled, grabbing as his side. Peter snatched one of his hands and held it between his own.

"The love of my life! My boyfriend!" He continued to laugh more, and it took everything for Remus to not go tumbling back into the floor in his amused fit.

"N-no, he's not my boyfriend," Remus huffed out, just about calm once again and wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Yeah, definitely not-" Peter snickered. "I, uh, I'm aromantic."

"What's that?" Asked Sirius with furrowed eyebrows.

"I don't like people. Romantically, I mean. Just, don't," Peter shrugged with no ounce of shame in his voice. Remus knew he was proud of who he was and wouldn't change for anyone.

"Not at all?"

"Nope! I mean, who would wanna fall in love when I have gummy bears and hugs from Remus?!" He smiled happily, leaning against his friend and chewing on another sweet. Remus quickly wrapped his arm around Pete, resting his head on his shoulder as the other three looked on fondly.

"Ah okay! That's good-" Sirius went bright red, eyes shooting open and looking away from Peter and Remus, who were still cuddled together. "I mean, not good, well it is, but I mean about you and Rem- or well-"

"It's nice that you're so open about it, and so friendly with each other!" Lily cried with a smile, desperately saving Sirius from the horribly awkward turn he'd found himself in.

"Actually," James said, looking at the watch on his wrist, "Visiting hours end in about an hour, and mums gonna be here to get me and Lily then. We ought to start present opening!" He heaved himself up off of the floor, swiftly followed by Pete and Lily, all three of them moving to the bags they bought with them and pulling out wrapped gifts from inside.

"Uh, Pads-" 

"It's okay, my Moon! You being here is enough for me!" Sirius smiled as the others rejoined them on the floor in a circle.

Despite his friend's reassurances and the fact that Remus couldn't really have bought him an adequate present, he still felt the guilt eating him up inside. He'd have to make it up to him somehow, someday.

"Here you go!" James beamed, shoving a smallish box into Sirius's hands before shuffling back next to Lily. He opened it eagerly, and pulled out a new, travel watercolour set, in a shiny white plastic box with its own mini paintbrush.

"This is brill Jamie! Thanks mate!"

Lily then passed over her present, which turned out to be two tickets for Phantom Of The Opera for next year. He hugged her, spouting thanks loudly as Peter then handed him his gift. Apologising for it not being much, Peter was overwhelmed with appreciation as Sirius smiled at the new guitar picks - 'James told me over the phone about your music, so I just guessed what you might have liked!'

They had another round of Uno before a nurse came by and told them visiting hours ended in a few minutes. 

"Right," James began, slapping his knees before standing up. He took Lily's hand and pulled her up too, while Peter and Sirius helped Remus up and to his bed. He was beginning to ache and hurt now, after the morning's walk and day on the floor, but he couldn't bring himself to care. "Mum and dad will be round tomorrow morning for-." He caught himself, saying no more in the company of others.

"To remove the stitches. Yeah, that's fine." Sirius smiled, hand still on Remus's arm from where he helped move him.

"Well, okay then. Come give me another hug!" James demanded, finding himself tackled by Sirius, and they stayed in one another's embrace.

"People think me and you are dating, but look at those two!" Peter laughed under his breath as he hugged Remus goodbye. 

Lily, while the brothers were still hugging, came and hugged Remus too.

"It was nice to see you again, Remus! Maybe one day soon we can meet up again, just me and you? Go for a proper day out?"

"That'd be awesome," Remus smiled, and Peter looked at him strangely from the corner of his eye.

"Oi! Sirius!" She called, giving Remus a last smile and wink and walking back over to her boyfriend and mate, who were no longer clinging onto one another for dear life. "Here! Make sure no one sees!" She smirked. From her bag, she pulled out two bottles of wine, and passed them to Sirius, who grinned mischievously. 

A last goodbye later, and Remus and Sirius were left in silence, staring at one another, in a still decorated hospital room. 

"Now," Sirius moved over to Remus's bed and jumped on, sitting opposite his friend. "Fancy a drink? You can drink on your medication, right? It won't make you ill or anything?"

"No, I'm all good! I just never drank because I never had anyone to drink with," He admitted.

Passing a bottle between them, Remus looked at it curiously. He opened it, placing the screw-on cap on the nightstand and sniffing the wine.

It smelt... weird. A little fruity, but something reminded him of the hospital - like the smell of the isopropyl alcohol wipes or antibacterial spray, for some reason. He bought the bottle to his lips, and took a swig, staring at Sirius the whole time, who watched on smugly. He could feel it down his throat, slightly burning in a way, and settling heavily in his stomach.

Cringing at the taste, he forced a smile.

"You didn't just organise today for me, did you?" He asked timidly.

"I mean, I love the attention I get on my birthday, and gifts are a plus, but yeah. Yeah, I did."

"Oh."

"Does that bother you?" Sirius queried, taking a few gulps of his own bottle, and wiping his lips with the back of his hand. It shouldn't have been attractive under any circumstance, not really. But it was.

"No. I mean, a little? I guess I'm not used to people caring that much..." He trailed off, shrugging and smiling sadly. "I love Peter to bits, I really do, but it's always just been us two. We never had a need for parties, and I was never well enough or allowed to do stupid stuff."

"Like underage drinking?" Sirius cackled, raising his bottle once and taking another sip.

"Exactly. Not underage for you anymore though!" He smiled, taking large gulps of the wine in quick succession. 

"Too right!"

They sat drinking for a while, strategically hiding the bottles when a nurse came in for the last check up, unaware of flushed cheeks and dizzy heads.

"I- uh, need to clean up," Sirius finished the last little dregs of the wine, and Remus did the same, and Sirius took the bottles. He walked over, on very unsteady feet, to his bag and hid the empty bottles beneath the clothes. He turned around dramatically, hair falling in gorgeous waves as he spun, and he stumbled back over to Remus's bed.

Remus felt dizzy, even though he was sat down. His face felt warm, so so warm, and at one point he almost took off his shirt just to cool down. He wondered for a moment if it was the fact it was now only he and Sirius in the room, most definitely drunk, that was making him hot in the face and chest, but decided he was too intoxicated to think about that right now. Instead, he watched as Sirius sauntered back over towards him, cheeks red and a last drop of red wine on the corner of his lips, and trip over something on the floor. From where he was on the bed, Remus couldn't see what it was, until Sirius bent down to pick the offending item up. In his hands was the watercolour set James had bought him. He continued to walk over to Remus, holding the gift and placing it on the table before hopping back onto the bed. 

"One day I'll have to paint you, or draw you or something!" He grinned, running a hand through his hair. His words weren't as sharp around the edges or as well pronounced as normal, but his voice was still perfection to Remus.

"I'd like that." Remus smiled softly. He found himself staring at Sirius, his long dark lashes, shining grey eyes, pink lips, the bottom one caught between his teeth, and he found himself breathless at the sheer beauty of the boy. "I feel awful, though!" Remus slurred finally, after his moment of admiring, head dropping. "I couldn't get you a present!"

"You didn't have to!" He insisted once again, "I'm just so glad you wanted to be involved! I wanted to throw it for you, you know? And James and Lily really like you! James said so while Lily said goodbye to you."

"I'm glad they like me," Remus blushed, "But I still wish I could have gotten you something, though! Even if it was just a band shirt or something simple."

"I know what you could give me," Sirius smirked, seeming half-joking, half genuine.

"What?"

Sirius shuffled onto his hands and knees, crawling ungracefully over Remus, eyes dark. He took the younger boys chin between his thumb and forefinger, lifting his head so Remus looked him directly in the eyes. Remus's heart pounded against his ribcage, loud and hard, and he couldn't blame the heat flooding over him on the alcohol. Not while Sirius was towered over him, grabbing his face and staring at him, strong and lovingly.

"Kiss me."

"What?" Remus repeated dumbly.

"Kiss me." Sirius's voice was low, barely a croaky whisper.

Sirius wanted to kiss him? 

They'd only known each other a handful of days! Remus had never kissed anyone before! They were drunk. He tried, he really tried to tell himself not to.

But he had the unexplainable urge to say yes.

"No," He finally whispered out unconvincingly, moving forward a couple of inches despite his words.

"Why not?"

"Because..." Remus trailed off, closing the gap and pressing his lips to Sirius. 

Remus thought it was cringy to say he 'felt something'. _It felt like electricity passing through them_ sounded like something from those pathetic young adult romance novels in the hospital teen games room, but he seemed to finally understand the phrase. As he parted his lips a little, feeling Sirius do the same and kissing him back, Remus knew he could stay their forever, kissing Sirius in their little hospital room, as if everything wrong with the world didn't exist at all. His hands moved from their place firmly on the bed to suddenly slip through Sirius's hair, and he realised what he was doing. 

He pushed his friend away by the shoulders, panting and panicking as he did so.

"N-no good?" Sirius asked, genuinely anxious as he bit the lip Remus had been sucking on only a moment earlier.

"I can't, Sirius. I can't do it."

"Why not?" 

Both of them were out of breath, and the sound of small pants filled the room. Remus was finding it hard to think with Sirius on top of him like that, with his hand still on his chin.

"I just can't..." He finally muttered out, closing his eyes as he did so.

"Fine."

Remus didn't open his eyes, not as he felt Sirius move from on top of him, or heard his feet on the floor. Not as he heard the sound of a pen scratching paper, or him walking again. And not as he heard the divider curtain being pulled across to separate them.

**_Remus's fun list!!!_ **

**_by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) )_ **✔

 **_get drunk!_ **✔

**_cute ass picnic :)_ **

**_clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3) _ **

**_first kiss ;*_ ** ~~✔~~

 **_guitar!_ **✔

**_walk out of here with me next to you <3<3 _ **

**_ <3 _ **


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm I'm not sorry-
> 
> Warning: talking about worries of dying, specifically dying young

Remus paced back and forth the room, focusing on the  _ thud thud thud _ of his heavy feet on the floor. He was alright today; alright enough that if he could ignore the slight dull ache in his knees and ankles, and the tightness in his chest, he could pretend he was normal. Okay.

His mind was a different matter. His mind was far from okay and far from normal, still a scrambled mess focusing on the lingering sensation of Sirius's lips on his, his hand on his face and body towering over his. He'd spent the better part of six hours - mind lunch break - walking from the door to the window and back again, trying to sort out his rather incoherent thoughts.

Sirius, however, had done no such thing. He'd pulled across the curtains the night before, after checking off the bucket list by Remus's bed, and the curtains didn't move. He stayed hidden behind them all morning, had lunch away from Remus, rather than on his bed like they had the previous five days, and didn't come out until a nurse (Em, to be exact) came and retrieved him at around 4pm. If her awkward side glances and forced smiles to a walking Remus was anything to go by, he knew that she knew something was up.

He hadn't been back by 5pm for dinner, and it was now 7. Visitation was almost over and the doctors had done their last rounds hours ago.

The day had been painfully, frightfully boring; worse than before Sirius turned up, now that he knew what it was like to have loud, entertaining friends like he has. Had.

His parents, of course, never turned up, as usual. James, Lily and Peter were at college, and Sirius made a point to not even look in his direction when he left the room earlier that afternoon. Remus wouldn't be shocked if Sirius hated him, to be honest.

He deserved it, really. Even if he didn't want anything with Sirius (not that one kiss meant anything was happening, of course) he should have at least plucked up the courage to say, rather than pushing him away and mumbling the pathetic excuse of 'I can't'. What was worse, was Remus wasn't even sure why he couldn't. 

_ Because Sirius deserves better... _ a voice in his mind helpfully supplied, and he did his best to shake out the thought, brown curls flopping about ungracefully as he continued to pace, to shake and wheeze at his own demise. 

Remus wasn't some sort of saviour case - he knew this. He was very much deserving of love, and one day, perhaps soon, the right person would come along. 

But Sirius... Sirius was too wonderful, too adventurous, too lively to be tied down with someone ill. Sickly. Someone like him.

No. Sirius deserved better, and Remus wouldn't be selfish enough to stick him with someone unlike him.

The door creaked open, and Remus didn't even glance towards the entranceway, presuming that it would be Sirius stood there, blank and ignorant.

"Oh! Hello, dear!" A happy, female voice called out, and Remus turned on his heel to see Mrs Potter, bags in her hands, smiling at him from the door. Said door closed softly behind her, and she busied herself with attending to Sirius's bed, rummaging in his bag for a moment.

"Hello Mrs Potter, how are you?" Remus smiled back, a little more forced than she had done. He wasn't particularly social with older people on the best of day, never mind the days after making out with one of their sons.

"Call me Effie, please! I'm well, how are you? It's good to see you up and out of bed!"

Wondering for a moment if Sirius had told her about his RA (not that he'd be annoyed, simple curious) he stopped pacing, shaking his limbs about and grinning.

"I'm good. Good day today," Physically, he failed to add. "Uh, Mrs- Effie, do you know where Sirius is?"

"He didn't tell you when he left?" 

"Nope." Remus shook his head. Euphemia zipped up Sirius's old bag and lifted it from the bed, leaving another bag behind with, what Remus presumed was, fresh clothes.

"Oh, that's odd of him! He hasn't shut up about you all afternoon!" She chuckled happily, shaking her head and looking over to the brunette with fond eyes. "Gone and gotten his stitches off, bless him! He'll be up in a moment, ready for tonight!" Mrs Potter walked over to the door, bad in hand.

"Tonight? But what's happening-"

"Have a good night, Remus!" She called, a smirk in her voice as the door closed behind her.

_ Tonight _ ? Remus questioned again, in his own head this time, as he heard talking from behind the door. One of them was Mrs Potter, clearly, with her happy, motherly tones, and the other was Sirius; sounding a lot more cheerful than he had last night. He tried to listen in, hear what they were saying, but it was too muffled in through the thick hospital doors.

Suddenly, the door swung back open with force, and Sirius stormed though, no longer seeming like the happy boy Remus had heard through the door just a moment before. Remus began pacing again almost immediately, as to seem like he hadn't tried to eavesdrop, when something (or somethings) hit his side, flopping to the floor with a dull thud.

"Get dressed." Sirius scowled, not looking in his direction, instead rummaging bag in the bag he'd presumably pulled the clothes from - the clothes, that now, were lying crumpled on the floor.

"Sirius, what's going on?" Remus asked nervously, bending over to pick up the clothes.

"You're feeling okay today, right? Mum says you were walking around fine.

"I mean, yeah, but-"

"I had to guess your size," Sirius interrupted and ignored his questions, and pulling out his own set of clothes and swiftly removing his shirt.

Now, really, Remus should have pressed further, asked him what he was doing and where he got the clothes from. But, no. Instead, he followed Sirius, changing into the clothes that had been tossed at him. He pulled on the jeans, a faded blue, before removing his hospital gown to slip on the white shirt that had also been thrown to him. Buttoning up the shirt, he looked back to Sirius, who was now dressed and was shoving pillows under his duvet, patting the sheets before moving to do the same with Remus's bed. Remus continued to change, and just had to pull on the black sweatshirt with a constellation and the moon on it. It was a comfortable fit, well worn and loved and soft, and as he tugged it over his head and straightened it out, he found himself enveloped by nothing but the scent of Sirius, his aftershave and shampoo and the smell of homecooked food, no doubt from the Potters home. 

Remus shouldn't help but hug himself, hug the jumper, and smile a little. He looked up once more to see Sirius stood in front of him. A pair of white NASA themed Converse were shoved into his hands, and Remus quickly put them on.

"The shirt, shoes and jeans are new, but, uh, the jumpers mine. I'd have taken you shopping, but it was a little impractical, so..." He trailed off as he saw Remus's eyes fixed on him, unblinking.

Sirius was in front of him looking no less than perfect. His head was in a messy looking braid bought around his shoulder. Clinging to his torso was a much too tight white t-shirt, with some band on it that Remus couldn't recognise, tucked into just as tight black jeans, ripped and covered with pins and chains and all sorts. The outfit was finished with big biker boots, a vintage leather jacket with pins across the lapel, and a thin black choker.

"Like what you see?" Sirius teased, sounding more like himself than he had all day, hands on his hips and winking at the smaller boy.

"Uh, Sirius," Remus began, mouth a little dry, purposely ignoring the previous statement (because it was most definitely true. Remus did like what he saw). "What's happening, where are we going?"

"We, my moonshine, are sneaking out!"

Sirius peered around the corner, before grabbing Remus's hand and running down the corridor, somehow gracefully as his plait flew behind him. Remus, however, tripped and stumbled about, trying to keep up with his friend.

"Sirius, this is a  _ really  _ bad idea!" He whisper-shouted as Sirius continued to drag him along. Suddenly, he stopped, and Remus was pushed against the wall with Sirius pressed up to him.

"Yes," Sirius panted, smirking as he did, his face lowered down by his roommate's neck. "I heard you the first seven times you told me."

Face flushing hotly, Remus tried to push him away for the second time in less than twenty-four hours, only to find his wrists being grabbed.

"Are you okay to run? Like,  _ really  _ run?" Sirius's face was now pressed into the crook of his neck, breath tickling over his pulse point. Remus only nodded slightly, still panting (from the short run, he was sure). "Okay, good. On my count of three, we need to run through the doors, then up the steps into the car park. Got it?"

Remus simply nodded again.

What was all this about? Sirius, all of a sudden, was pretending as if nothing happened last night, and as if they were still friends. Did he not hate Remus? Perhaps he was trying to forget all about it, as Remus had tried and failed so miserably.

"1!" Sirius shouted, Remus entirely missing the rest of the countdown before he was being dragged once again. They were now dashing through the lobby, ignoring the strange look from one parent and their toddler in the waiting area, thankfully not spotted by the receptionist.

They kept running as they left the Children's Ward, until they were outside, heading to the car park. Remus should have cared - should have been nervous about being caught, about the growing pain in his chest, about Sirius's hand around his wrist, but instead he kept running, legs aching as they pushed him further and further forward.

He stopped as Sirius did, both doubled over and catching their breath, laughing through the wheezes into the cold November night. Sirius let go of his wrist to keep laughing, throwing his arms around his friend and pulling him into a hug.

At least they seemed okay.

"I can't believe... we just snuck... out of a hospital!" Remus chuckled breathlessly in disbelief.

"And the night only gets better from here, my Moony! Ta-da!" He shouted cheerfully, removing his grip from his friend to flourish his arms next to him, gesturing to a-

_ A motorbike. _

_ What?! _

"This," Sirius continued with the brightest smile, picking up two helmets from the seat of the bike, "Is a Mash Seventy 125cc! Not the most badass bike, but it's the best I could get at seventeen! I call her  _ Harpalyke _ ." He finished, passing one of the helmets (just a matt black with vinyl star sticker on it) to Remus. He took the other, a vintage leather helmet, and pulled it over his head.

"Sirius, I've never ridden a motorbike before..." He mumbled a little nervously as Sirius jumped onto the bike and gripped the handles.

"Well then, what a better time to learn!" A pause. "Well, are you coming then?"

Fuck it. What did he have to lose?

Pulling his own helmet over his thick curls, he walked over to the bike and got on (with much difficulty), with Sirius laughing in the background.

"I was not prepared for you to have a  _ motorbike _ , Sirius, of all things."

"Pretty hot though, right?!"  _ Yes _ . "You're gonna have to hold onto me, tightly."

"Okay..." Remus shuffled forwards, wrapping his arms around Sirius's back to join up at his front, trying to keep an inch of distance between their bodies. However, as soon as the bike was turned on and Sirius revved the engine, Remus jolted forwards, clutching tight to Sirius, pressing his own chest against his back and resting his cheek on his shoulder blade. Sirius laughed lowly, and Remus could feel the sound vibrating through him.

"If you want me to stop, just say!" Sirius shouted over the sound of the idle engine. "Just trust me!"

"I always trust you!"

And they were off into the night, heading out of Car Park G and driving around the one-way system, crawling at a painfully slow 20 miles per hour around other cars trying to leave the hospital. Eventually, however, they turned out of the hospital exit, and we're speeding down motorways. Remus kept his body flush with Sirius's, feeling the older man breathing under him, watching as the world zipped by. It couldn't have been long until Motorways turned into country lanes, and Remus (even though he hadn't seen much of the city over the past 17 years) didn't recognise anything around them.

It was dark, almost frightfully so, with the only light coming from the waning gibbous moon, the bright stars above them and the front and back lights from Sirius's precious bike. 

"Sirius! Where are we going?" Remus called.

"Somewhere!"

Remus had to bite his tongue to not shout back a sarcastic response, instead settling with muttering an equally as sarcastic 'very fucking helpful, Padfoot' under his breath.

There was a turn in the road, and Sirius turned the corner, stopping as they were met with a rickety gate with no road on the other side. Instead, they were met with nothing but a massive field. It was too dark to see the other side, but Remus could see  _ something  _ in the middle. Not that he could make out what that  _ something  _ was.

Sirius turned off the ignition.

"You're going to have to let go of me so we can get off, love." Sirius chuckled, laughing even harder as Remus quickly removed his arms and pushed himself back from his friend. They got off of the bike, and Sirius jumped over the fence with ease. (Remus, while he did make it over, was clueless as to how Sirius could climb over a gate and make it look sexy while  _ he  _ almost fell into the grass jumping off on the other side).

Walking hand in hand, Remus not noticing when that happened, they headed towards the  _ something  _ in the field. It was silent, other than the sound of shoes against the slightly icy grass and Remus's slightly heavy breathing in the cold wind.

They drew closer, and Remus could see a picnic blanket laid out on the grass, with a basket in the middle. He shook his head with a smile.

"A picnic, Padfoot?"

"I promised you, didn't I?" Sirius smiled contently, if not a little nervous, helping Remus sit down on the red checkered blanket before taking a seat beside him.

He opened up the basket, pulling out a bottle of wine (likely Lily or James's doing again) and two plastic glasses, along with strawberries, chocolate, and other small picnic foods. Sirius opened the wine and poured it into the glasses, with great difficulty due to the low light. He passed a glass to Remus, who had to squint a little to see the smile on his friends face.

"To us!" Padfoot beamed, raising his glass.

"To us." Remus mimicked, and the sound of their plastic glasses clinking in the silence of the field was a little deafening. "I thought you hated me," Remus continued after a sip of his drink, savouring the heavy feeling of it travelling down his throat once again. It for sure felt more sophisticated drinking from glasses in a field late at night, rather than from the bottle, on a hospital bed in the early evening.

"Hate you? I could never hate you, Remus..." Sirius said, shuffling a little closer to Moony.

"I thought you did, after- well, after yesterday."  _ After we kissed, and I pushed you away _ , Remus couldn't manage to say.

"Not hate you. I was annoyed, sure. But I could and would never hate you."

"Oh..."

"An explanation would be lovely though," Sirius laughed, a little too forced. A little too awkward. "I mean, if I read the signals wrong and all that, then I totally get it, but you kissed me first and-"

"No, you read the signals right."

"Oh." He echoed dumbly. A sad smile played on his lips, clear as day under the light of the moon. "I do like you, Remus, I really do. And, you know, I think it could work. It'd be hard for sure, but it'd be worth it, right?"

"Sirius..." Remus looked down to his drink, moving the glass about to watch the red wine swirling around inside. "I really like you too, but it wouldn't work. It... it really wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because of me! RA is hard enough to live with anyway, I wouldn't dream of giving the burden of looking after me to anyone- and no, don't interrupt me to say its not a burden, Sirius. You know what I mean. There are days I can't get out of bed, when I'm in an awful mood. We can't make plans in advance in case I wake up and can't move. I'm always in and out of the hospital, and in and out of Respite. It just wouldn't work." Remus gave a sigh, still refusing to look at Sirius, staring at the red drink in his glass. "Not to mention they don't know what else is wrong with me. What if it's something really bad, Sirius? What if right now, I tell you I feel the same and ask you to be my boyfriend, and then the next day they tell me I have a month left to live?"

"I-"

"What if it's better than that? What if they tell me I'm all okay and me and you hit it off great! We grow up, get married, adopt a couple kids maybe, and then next thing you know I pass away suddenly. I can't do that to  _ anyone  _ Sirius, let alone someone as amazing as you. Damnit, Padfoot, you're so perfect and you deserve so much better than someone who might not even be able to grow old with you." Remus finished, shuffling further away from his friend. Downing the rest of his drink and putting his cup to the side, he stared up at the moon. He couldn't look at Sirius, not knowing he'd be wearing a look of anger, and of upset.

Sirius, however, moved again until he was back next to Remus, side to side. "So, what? I just have to live with the fact that I have feelings for this wonderful friend, and he has feelings for me too, but we're living our lives as if nothing could have come from it?"

Remus stayed silent. He opened his mouth to say yes, only to find his throat dry, the words caught in his chest.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Remus repeated with a tilt of his head.

"I'm not going to argue with you about it. You've made your mind up about it and I'm not gonna sit here to try and convince you that all of what you've just said is bullshit. It's a miracle that we met, Rem, and you're one of the best things that happened to me. I value our friendship more than getting stroppy over a something that  _ could have been _ ... Just, know that I really like you, okay? And if you ever change your mind; you know, ever realise that I don't mind any of that; I'll be waiting. Be sure of that. Friends?"

"Friends," Remus assured, leaning a little on Sirius and staring back up to the moon and the stars in the sky.

" _ Do  _ you think it's something bad, Rem? You said before that you had faith that you'd be okay, but you sound a little less sure now..."

"I always knew it was going to be bad, even if I never said it," Remus admitted, head falling to Sirius's shoulder. "But before, I had Peter and that was it. But now there's you and James and Lily, and I'm scared of just losing you guys as a result. For whatever reason."

Breaking out a tense sigh, Sirius rested his own head on Remus's, and pulled an arm around the boy. They shivered in the cold air of the night, staring up at nothing, leaning on one another - in more ways than one, it would seem.

"You'll be okay, Remus, I'm sure of it," Sirius said, lip caught between his teeth.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

Remus was sure he was lying.

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) )  _ ** ✔

**_ get drunk!  _ ** ✔

**_ cute ass picnic :)  _ ** ✔

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3)  _ ** ✔

**_ first kiss ;*  _ ** ✔

**_ guitar!  _ ** ✔

**_ walk out of here with me next to you <3<3 _ **

**_ <3 _ **


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am- actually sorry for this one...
> 
> Warning: mentions of blood tests, and diagnoses :(

Pain shot through every part of Remus more than he'd ever felt before. It seemed, in a way, like even blinking was far too much effort, too sore for him to manage.

"Are you okay? I came over because you kept whimpering while you were waking up!" Sirius's voice came from his left. Trying desperately to turn his head to look at his friend - as just friend, after last night - Remus had to resolve to just looking at him from the corner of his eye.

Last night had been no less than amazing. A little sad, of course, knowing that (with Remus's doing) they'd have to pretend as if there was nothing between them, no form of affection a little stronger than just platonic, but they'd get over it eventually. The rest of the night, until Remus became too cold and they'd have to sneak back into the mostly deserted hospital, was spent under the stars, cuddling in the freezing wind and talking about whatever came to mine. 

Remus learnt a little more about Regulus Black, Sirius's little brother, and how they'd gotten along great growing up despite everything else they dealt with. He learnt how Sirius said yes to living with the Potters and would be going home in only three days, and how he and James would visit Remus as often as possible.

In turn, Remus told Sirius a little more about what he was like before RA, before he became too ill to do what he had before - like music, and sports. He told of the adventures of him and Peter, although they were nothing compared to the pranks pulled by James and Sirius at boarding school.

Sirius had gotten Remus back, and it hadn't taken long before his eyelids became heavy, barely recognising Sirius next to him on his bed, fingers slipping through his hair and lulling him to sleep. 

Now, here Sirius was, in the hospital chair beside his bed, in joggers and a baggy band tee, looking at Remus rather terrified.

"Please don't look scared," Remus moaned out sleepily, "You've treated me normal so far, please don't baby me now that you've seen me at my worst." He tried once again to turn his head to look more at his friend, just to yelp a little in pain. 

"Oh god no!" Sirius laughed, hands up in the air, "I mean, I'm worried because you seem in a lot of pain, but we're still gonna get drunk and go on late night rides and play guitar when you're better. You haven't changed just because I've seen a flair up!" 

Remus wondered if Sirius knew how much that meant to him.

"That's good then."

"But on a serious note-"

"- _ Sirius _ -"

"-Is there anything I can do to help?" Sirius asked, lips twitching as Remus make the obvious pun.

"I-I don't think so..." Remus hissed in pain once again as he tried to push himself up a little. Jumping from his seat, to his side like a knight in shining armour, Sirius lifted him up a little, manoeuvring him so he was sat more upright.

"Last night really took it out of me," Moony yawned, finally able to look at Sirius properly - Sirius, who now looked incredibly smug.

"Well, I just hope you're up for another round tonight," He winked dirtily, smirk on his lips as he did.

"Padfoot..." Remus scolded, unable to stop the smile stretching on his face. Pretending he didn't know what it was like to kiss Sirius, to wonder what he was like to date, to hold and love and treasure, was going to be so much harder than he thought.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just, let me know if you want something, alright?" Sirius grinned warmly.

"You're a patient here too, you know! It's not your job to look after me."

"I know, but I want to."

Softening his look, Remus sighed. "I know..." He echoed. "Just, stay here for a little then? With me?"

Sirius would be gone soon, and no matter how many promises for visits he made, Remus could never quite believe him. So, instead, he'd just have to savour him while he was here.

"Of course, my moon, anything for you," Sirius's smile was almost sad, as though he'd read Remus's thoughts and felt the same way. He said no more, however, and he just placed his hand on top of Remus's, moving his thumb back and forth in comfort.

After a moment of the gentle gesture, Sirius's hand stopped, and he placed his palm directly over Remus's hand, and looked up, startled and anxious again.

"Moony, your hands are really cold! Do you want my blanket? I'll go and get if from my bed if you need?"

"They're cold? No, I feel fine." Remus tried to shrug it off at first, attempting to flex and wiggle his fingers from underneath Sirius's hand, just to feel a strange sensation of pins and needles on the tips of his fingers.

"Don't your fingers get cold during a flare-up? I don't know much about RA," Sirius mumbled.

"No, they don't. My joints get really hot, not cold." 

"Like, hot to touch?"

"I think so!" Remus raised his voice, fear setting in his chest, "Peter always said I was really warm and the doctors said it was to do with the swelling or something!"

One of Sirius's hands stayed where it was on Remus's, but the other moved to hold his friend's elbow. "Rem, your elbow's really cold too, it's freezing!"

Remus began to chew on his lip anxiously, "Pads, this isn't right, you need to go call the nurse..."

It was chaos. Nurses came rushing in, checking vitals, drawing blood. Sirius was ushered to his own bed and the curtain was pulled across so he could no longer see him. That was the last thing he needed right now. He wanted - no, he needed - Sirius there. To hold his hand. To make promises that deep down Remus knew he couldn't keep, but he'd pretend to believe him anyway.

Eventually, a doctor, one that Remus had met on occasion, came in, asking questions that Remus answered mindlessly, unaware of what was leaving his mouth, what the doctor was making notes of or what Sirius could hear just on the other side of the room. 

He didn't know why the doctor asked him to list all his symptoms, mainly his new ones, all again. It was in his file, on the system, available with just a search, but he listed them off anyway. Increased breathlessness, chest pains, skin rashes, tiredness, light sensitivity, and now apparently numb fingers and cold limbs.

Suddenly, the rush stopped.

It was quiet. Deafeningly so.

Remus prayed and prayed for Sirius to come bursting through the doors of the doctor's office, his guitar in one hand, wine in the other, just to lie and tell him it would all be okay.

Lying would be better than this, anyway. 

Lying was better than sitting with his father one side of him, his mother on the other, both looking rather grave at the Rheumatologist before them. His parents took a hand of his each, reaching over to hold him in what felt more like an obligation than comfort while the doctor was speaking to them. It was better than trying to take in everything the doctor was saying, hoping he was nodding at the correct intervals because he couldn't bring himself to speak. 

The words seemed to go in one ear and out of the other, floating about in a senseless limbo. Remus wondered that if he just didn't pay attention to what was being said, that it wasn't really true.

He somehow doubted that would work. 

Remus could have been there for a couple of minutes, or a couple of hours; he really wasn't sure. Eventually, however, a nurse came and helped him back to his room, in a wheelchair, of course, lifting him onto the bed and settling him under the sheets. Remus hated it. He felt incompetent. Useless. And, as it seemed, it would only get worse from here. 

Sirius, who'd remained in his bed the whole time he was gone, he guessed, lept over to Remus's bed, jumping on the foot of it, oblivious to Remus's hiss of pain.

"Are you okay?! What was all that about? They wouldn't tell me a thing!" He shouted, leaning a little over his friend as he did.

Remus stared straight forward, just over Sirius's shoulder, boring a hole into the wall beyond. 

"Rem, please talk to me!" Sirius pleaded, grabbing one of his hands as he did. Remus had half a mind to pull it away, knowing Sirius holding his hand caused all this.

Well, he didn't  _ cause  _ it, of course. In fact, Sirius pointing out his cold hands was for better rather than for worse, and Remus was in great debt to him for that. Really, Remus owed him an explanation at the minimum, but saying it out loud felt like admitting defeat, in a twisted sort of way.

"Lupus." 

"What?"

"I have Lupus," Remus said, voice flat.

"O-okay, so they didn't get it wrong before, then? You have Lupus instead of RA? That's fine though, right? It's just as manageable, I've heard, and you're strong, I know you'll-"

"No, Sirius," Remus interrupted, unable to bring himself to look his friend in the eyes. He wanted to bury himself in Sirius's arms, press his lips to his own, hold him close and pretend for just a moment that none of this was happening.

But it was. 

"I have Rhupus," He continued, still fixated on the blank patch of the wall opposite him, "It's an overlap of Rheumatoid arthritis and Lupus. It's rare. Really rare. And, as it turns out, my case is more severe than others."

"What's the li-"

"Life expectancy? Forty. If I'm lucky." He shrugged.

"R-right... But, that's still a while! You'll be okay, I know it!"

"Sirius," Remus said again, more pointedly, voice raised a little, "You don't seem to get it! I'll only get worse from here! The risk of complications just increases. Lung failure, heart problems, anaemia. All on the table for me to get. I'll be on more meds than I ever thought was possible, to control the pain, the swelling, the rashes I get. I'll just get more and more tired, I might never go back into remission and might be in this much pain for who knows how long! Sirius, get it into your head that I  _ might not be okay _ !"

Remus finally looked up to Sirius. Normally shining grey eyes were dark, clouded, and his lips were downturned. His hair was an unusual mess, falling from its bun, and his hoodie sleeves were pulled over his hand, tugging on the hem anxiously. 

Sirius must have been tearing himself to pieces while he was gone.

"No, no," Sirius denied, shaking his head and causing more hair to slip from the hair tie, "You will be, alright? I know you will be! And you have Lily, and Peter and James! And me, of course, I love you and I'll be with you every step of the way and-"

"Will you just shut up?!" Remus yelled, voice echoing from the hospital wall. Shrinking into himself, Sirius's face turned frightful. Terrified.

"Sorry..."

Remus pinched his nose, sighing, "No, Pads, I should be sorry, I shouldn't have shouted. But you can't keep saying things like that, Siri, you just can't."

"Why not?" He whispered.

"Because," Remus choked back a sob and lifted a painful hand to cover his mouth, "It's hard enough being around you, pretending like we're only friends without you saying you love me. And now I'm ill - iller than I was, it gives me even more reason to push you away."

"You don't need to," Sirius bought his hand to Remus's cheek, wiping away a falling tear with his thumb. Remus pressed his face further into his friend's hand, and more tears fell.

"Yes, I do."

Reaching up slowly, he pulled Sirius's hand from his face and gently pushed him back. He watched on, heartbroken, as Sirius's face fell further, eyes continuing to darken and shoulders shaking as he tried to keep his composure. 

"I-I'll just... I'll just leave you alone then..." Sirius murmured, tears of his own trailing down his face. He moved from the bed, headed to the list on the wall - which Remus had forgotten about that day until Sirius reached for the pen on his bedside table, and scribbled something else on it. In too much pain to turn his head, Remus was left to suffer in mystery as Sirius made his way back to his side of the room and sat on his bed.

"Can you play for me?"

Remus's voice was quiet, no louder than a whisper, a stark difference to his previous shouts. He wondered if Sirius even heard him, until he saw Sirius reach other to grab the guitar that was leaning on the wall. 

"Anything for you, my moon..."

He played a couple of random chords, turning the pegs and tuning the instrument for a moment, before settling into playing. 

"It's making you cry every time you give your love to me this way. Saying you'd wait for me to stay, I know it hurts you" He sang softly, looking down to his fingers plucking the strings rather than at Remus. Settling back against the pillows, Remus closed his eyes and listened onto his friend from across the room. 

"Maybe I'd change for you someday but I can't help the way I feel. Wish I was good, wish that I could give you my love now"

Pain in his body seemed to slip away as Sirius continued, and Remus wanted to be no-where else.

"I need to tell you something. My heart just can't be faithful for long. I swear I'll only make you cry."

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) )  _ ** ✔

**_ get drunk!  _ ** ✔

**_ cute ass picnic :)  _ ** ✔

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3)  _ ** ✔

**_ first kiss ;*  _ ** ✔

**_ guitar!  _ ** ✔

**_ walk out of here with me next to you <3<3 _ **

**_ <3 _ **

**_ i love you Rem _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song - Cry by Cigarettes After Sex
> 
> I spent,,, a long time deciding on what song, and almost chose Presumably Dead Arm by Sidney Gish instead


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two (and a half) chapters left!!
> 
> Uh, warnings for... heartbreak? self-deprecation? nothing too bad, just general abandonment issues!

** New Message: Wormtail (5) **

** Hey Moony! Will come and visit you as soon as possible, hopefully in two or so days! Hang in there, buddy <3  ** _ 8:49pm _

** Rem, text me back when you get this? I'm worried about you x  ** _ 11:32pm _

** Please, Remus, come on. I know it's not great news but you can't shut us all out.  ** _ 7:12am _

** And no, I don't care that it's only been 24 hours. We just wanna help you, man <3  ** _ 7:14am _

** Okay, Moony, please, please, please answer me. James has been trying to get a hold of you, apparently Lily has too, Sirius is freaking out because you won't look at him, won't eat or talk. I can't imagine how hard this is but ignoring everyone and everything won't help you. Please, Remus, we miss you.  ** _ 11:28am _

** New Message: Prongs (4) **

** Fuck man! How you holding up?  ** _ 9:00pm _

** Dude, you okay? Peter says you won't reply to him?  ** _ 11:32pm _

** Lily can't get hold of you either and Sirius won't calm down without you talking to him. You know how much he cares about you...  ** _ 10:37am _

** Okay, I'll leave you to it because who knows what's going through your mind right now, but please let someone, anyone know that you're okay. Message me when you feel ready? x  ** _ 11:40am _

** New Message: Unknown Number (2) **

** Hey Remus! It's Lily, I got your number from James, I hope that's okay? Lots of love and support to you. x  ** _ 9:01pm _

** Hey again, love, hope you slept well! No one can get hold of you and we're a little worried, just remember we're here for you always! xx  ** _ 10:10am _

** New Message: Mum (1) **

** We're going to try and visit in a few days. See you then love x  ** _ 11:59am _

Dropping his phone back onto his bedside table, Remus rolled onto his back with a sigh. He couldn't be bothered to reply to any of them. He was tried. Oh so tired. And in pain.

What was the point, anyway? It was easier to just... shove them all away, wasn't it? Knowing he'd grow up watching them be happy and loved and healthy, until one day he'd reach the end of his life and have to remember that Peter and James and Lily had another forty years to go.

And Sirius.

Of course, Sirius would too.

But he was the last person Remus wanted to think of now.

What was it he'd said before?  _ What if right now, I tell you I feel the same and ask you to be my boyfriend, and then the next day they tell me I have a month left to live? _

Ironic, really, in hindsight. (Sure, he had longer than a month, but 20 years? Not that much time to spend with someone who was as wonderful and important as Sirius Black.)

Straining his neck, Remus looked over to the bed on the other side of the room that was empty, sheets thrown to the side and clothes hanging from the end. Sirius had been taken somewhere by a nurse that morning and had yet to return. 

He tried talking to Remus last night, when dinner was bought to them, then again before they went to sleep. He said good morning, and said goodbye as he left for his appointment. Remus, however, kept his mouth firmly pressed into a thin line, eyes unfocused, staring at the wall.

The internal battle raged on as Sirius left, between continuing to push him away - to save Sirius the trouble of falling for a sickly boy - and then wanting to keep him close; because Sirius made him feel loved in a way he'd never know. Rationally, he knew that was selfish, to keep Padfoot to himself, but he'd daydream about it anyway, imagining a world where Sirius wasn't suicidal and Remus didn't have Rhupus and they were normal, happy teens.

_ Yeah _ , Remus scoffed in his mind, rolling his eyes to the empty room,  _ if only. _

Remus was half pulled from his thoughts to the sound of the door softly opening. It took all his willpower to not look over to the door, to look at Sirius once more, to find himself sinking into his arms and lost in the storm in his eyes. Instead, he kept staring at the ceiling, wondering if Sirius would try and speak to him again or just finally,  _ finally  _ ignore him.

"Hey, Remus?"

_ That wasn't Sirius. _

Shooting upright and hissing in pain as he did, he looked over to the door to see Euphemia Potter peering into the room.

"Sorry lovely, I didn't know if you were asleep or just laying down. Did I wake you?" She asked lowly, smiling at the brunette, genuine, if not a little sad.

"N-no..." Remus croaked out, shifting around until he was more comfortable, leaning against the headboard and legs stretched out in front of him. "I was already up."  _ I haven't even slept. _

"Well, that's okay then!" Effie smiled, keeping her voice quiet as though Remus was still actually asleep. "I won't be long dear, just getting some stuff for Sirius, is all."

"Is he o-okay?" Asked Remus, speaking before he even realised. Asking about Sirius wasn't helping anyone, really.

"Of course he is dear," She chuckled back, walking into the room and heading to his bed.

"Oh. Okay."

Mrs Potter stood at the end of his bed, eyes a little narrowed and smile more forced than Remus had seen before - not that his interactions with her had been lengthy by any means.

"Do you need anything while I'm here hun? A drink, or a nurse?"

"Ah- no, I'm okay, thank you."

She leant forward, bending over the bed a little and looking worried. "Remus, are you sure you're okay, love? You don't look so good and you're quiet today! Not that bright, bubbly boy that our Siri loves so much!"

_ So Sirius has told them about me. Great. _

And the worst thing was, it was clear that Sirius's fondness for him was no act; not a pretence put on while they shared a room. Not if he'd told someone who may as well have been his mother about him.

"Honestly, Effie," Remus tried to smile as wide as he could, aware that it was looking more like a grimace, "I'm perfectly okay," He lied.

"Hm... If you're sure!" She grinned, just as forced as Remus's, and patted him once on his leg. "I better get started with packing up Sirius's stuff! Might as well get some of it today if he's leaving tomorrow!"

_ Tomorrow?! _

"Y-yeah... makes sense."

Euphemia headed to Sirius's stuff, picking up one of his overnight bags from the floor and hoisting it to the bed with a huff. She began to pull out crumpled up clothes, shake her head good-naturedly at the state of it all, and folded it up before putting it back. Books were pulled out, reorganised and returned to their place in order. She gathered clothes from the floor and the bed, laughing and muttering to herself as she did so, tiding the space around her. 

Every movement, every little giggle and smile was filled with so much motherly love and affection, that Remus felt he could burst just watching it! She smoothed out rumpled shirts, flattened crumpled sketches with a fond appreciation, closed up the watercolour set with the proudest grin before putting it into the bag along with everything else. Effie gathered everything from the side table and sorted through it - headphones to stay for another night, sketch pencils could go home, scrap paper into the bin.

Then, she came to Sirius's notebook.

She picked it up, brushing a frail finger over the rainbow fur, looking at the simple notebook with such adoration. They might not have been biologically related, but Sirius picked up more habits from his mother than he might have realised. Euphemia looked at the notebook the same way Sirius looked at his guitar, at his motorbike,  _ at Remus _ .

The thought made Remus feel a little sick to the stomach

After a last smile and feel of the fluff, she turned to Remus, waving about the notepad. "Remus, do you happen to know where the pen for this is? Matching thing, all big and rainbow and fluffy! Our Sirius always has a habit of losing pens, you see!" Effie beamed.

"Yeah, it's here," Remus gestured to the pen on his side table without looking at it. Looking at it just made him think of Sirius, crossed legged on his bed and making promises he could never keep.

"Oh!" She made her way over to Remus, leaving the notebook on the bed beside the bag, "Why's it over here love?"

"We made a thing," Remus said with a shrug.

Glancing up to the wall, Euphemia caught eyes with the list tacked up, and took a last step until she was in front of it.

"May I?" She asked softly, smiling down at Remus and pointing to the sheet. With another shrug from the brunette, she pulled the list gently from the wall and began to read it.

Remus could probably recite the list from heart, and was desperate to see her face as she read it. Remus, however, did as he had all say - stared straight forwards and kept his expression neutral.

"A special boy, our Sirius is... Looks for the best in every situation."

"He does," Remus couldn't help the twitch of his lips.

"When did you guys make this?"

"Well, it was more Pads than me. The day I first met you and your husband, my friend Peter came and visited. After he and James left, Sirius realised I'd never been to a birthday party - well, not for a while. So he made it his goal to 'give me a childhood', as he worded it," Remus gave a huff of laughter, shaking his head a little at the memory.

"Ahh, makes sense now!" Euphemia chuckled, sticking the bucket list back up.

"Hm?"

"He wouldn't tell me or Monty why he needed his motorbike in the car park, or why James was going to some random field to set up some picnic. Just told us he had a plan for the both of you!"

"Ah..."

Remus looked from the corner of his eye to see Mrs Potters hand raise back up to the paper, and bought her thumb to swipe fondly over the last line.

"He cares about you a lot, Remus," She said. "A lot more than I've ever seen him care about anyone. I've known that boy since he was eleven. He's been coming for tea since he was 12, coming on holidays with us from 14 and living with us from 16. He cares  _ so much _ about you."

"I know..." Remus admitted, tears welling up in his eyes, and he ducked his head down to hide them from Sirius's mum.

A hand ruffled his hair, and she laughed. 

"You two are cute!" She finished, leaving the pen on the side table as though she knew not to touch it - not to move it from the place it had become so familiar with over the past seven days.

She moved away from Remus; who still had his head dipped, lips pressed together in silence; to Sirius's side of the room. Effie moved the notebook back onto the side table, and patted it a couple times.

Then she reached for the guitar.

It hit Remus like a tidal wave.

That was it.

Sirius was leaving.

He'd never see him again. He'd go with his loving family and caring brother and get Reg back and forget about him. Sirius could carry on with his life while Remus sits in silence in his little hospital room, dreaming of the sound of laughter and Sirius's music. He'd never have Sirius sat on the end of his bed, never sneak out for pizza, never have himself painted, never finish their bucket list.

That was it.

"Did he ever play this for you?" Effie smiled, picking up the guitar and resting it on the bed. She stroked over the body and the went for the case beside the bed. 

Remus only realised he hadn't given a response when she turned around, eyes widening as she stared at him.

"Remus! What's wrong?"

Bring his hands to his face, Remus felt the wetness on his cheeks, tears falling fast.

"I-"

In a second, Remus curled into a ball, hands gripping his hair and forehead pressed to his knees. He screamed, sobbing and crying and shaking on the bed, tucked into himself and wishing that Sirius was there, not his mum, but  _ Sirius _ was there to say he'd remember him.

"H-h-he's gonna f-forget about- about me!" He choked with a cry, shoulders trembling and fingers tightening in his locks.

Euphemia ran across the room, pulling Remus into a hug and pulling his hands from his hair, replacing his fingers with her own, brushing over his scalp and soothing him.

"Of course he won't silly! He'll never forget about you!"

Remus cried harder. His chest tightened with each weep. His hands scratched at his legs. He couldn't take in a breath no matter how hard he tried - every inhale was short, tense, forced. Tears fell uncontrollably and he buried himself into Mrs Potters side, wetting her sari as he sniffed and guttered and gasped.

Sirius was going. He was leaving him - they'd never walk out together, of course not! Remus wasn't just that kid with an illness now! He had two illnesses, that cut his life short, doomed him to a lifetime in and out of hospitals and care homes with parents who couldn't care less about where he was. As long as he wasn't their burden, it wouldn't matter. And here he was, throwing a tantrum like a child and being a burden to a mother who didn't even know him.

"Hey, hey, come on, try and breath slowly for me," She whispered, barely loud enough against Remus's sobs, hand still running through his hair.

"I-I can't stay here! I can't, I can't! Not without S-S-Sirius! I just can't!" He yelled, quivering more so and curling up tighter.

"You won't be without him! He's not leaving you," Effie insisted, letting Remus go and moving to hold his head up instead, so he was looking at her. He could feel himself trembling in Mrs Potters arms and tried to will himself to calm down as she stared at him. "Come on Remus, try and follow my breaths for me okay, lovely? Sirius isn't going anywhere, he's going to keep visiting you, as will James and Lily, and myself and my husband when we bring them, alright? You won't be on your own! Sirius likes you too much for that, dear."

"I-I-I love him! I l-love him s-s-so, so much, I can't lose him, Effie, I can't!"

"You love him?" She questioned, a smile on her face and head tilted a little.

"S-so much! I love h-h-him so much!" Remus sobbed harder, hiccuping and unable to stop the words tumbling from his lips. "H-He means everything to me and I-I know I-I-I've o-only known h-him... like eight days! B-but he's so so so important to me, a-and I can't bear the thought of him f-forgetting about me!" He shouted.

The tears finally began to slow, and his breathing, while still laboured, was less painful and harsh. Still shaking, head cupped by Euphemia's hands, Remus's head dipped once more.

A thumb came to wipe away the remaining tears, running soft on his cheek and smudging the teardrops gathering on the corners of his lips.

"Remus, you need to tell him..." Mrs Potter said softly, before startling as Remus's head shot up, eyes wide and breathing heavily again.

"N-n-no! Not in a million years!"

"Okay, okay," She soothed, keeping her thumb resting on the side of his face, "I can't make you, but I really do think you should tell him how you're feeling; not just about him, but about being worried he's going to forget you."

"I-"

"Look," She sighed, out of fondness rather than exasperation, "I know that you know how Sirius feels about you, even if he hasn't told you."

"How can he love me after so little time?"

"How can  _ you  _ love  _ him  _ after to little time, hm?" Effie countered with a smirk, eyes brightening as Remus gave a small chuckle.

"I guess so..." He simpered.

"Why are you so scared?"

Well, that was unpacking a  _ whole  _ load of baggage that Remus wasn't ready to unpack. Not just yet.

He took in a breath - deep, controlled - and gave a last sniff before sighing.

"I've never had many friends. I still worry that Peter only visits me out of obligation, and when my own parents can't stick around for longer than five minutes other than to drop me off as Respite, I just-. I know I deserve love, right," He insisted upon seeing the solemn look on James's mum's face, "But, some people, in this case, Sirius, are too-"

Remus found himself stuck for the word.

No one word could encapsulate how wonderful, how brilliant, how perfect Sirius was to him.

"-Special to be with me. To be  _ stuck  _ with me." He finished with a weak smile.

"Remus, no one is stuck with you!" Effie insisted with the shake of her head. She sat herself down on the end of the bed, holding Remus's knee. "Let me tell you something about Sirius, love. He is so, so insistent about everything he does. He knew exactly what he wanted to wear to prom and didn't stop looking until he found it. He knew that he and James we're going to be friends from the moment they met, and he knew what GCSE's he wanted to pick without giving it another thought. He knows for a fact that he's getting Regulus back, and he knows how he feels about you. He doesn't feel like you're too much for him, or that you're a burden. He doesn't think he'll leave you behind and he certainly does not think you are nothing but your illness, alright, whatever your illness is."

Remus looked up in shock, eyes watering again at Euphemia's words and firm, but kind smile.

"H-he told you about me?" He asked, voice decidedly happier than before, heart warm and thumping against his ribcage. This wasn't like Sirius talking to James about him - not at all. The Potters took him in; they were his  _ family _ , and they'd heard all about Remus. 

"Of course he has, love!" She laughed, pulling him into a hug, "Now, I need to head off. Monty's probably wondering where I got to. Are you feeling a little better now."

"Much!" Remus beamed, exhausted from the crying but feeling lighter now that he'd told someone. 

It wasn't like he had a mother of his own to talk to. Not really.

"He told me about your family, Remus..." Euphemia's face darkened as she stood up, ruffling his hair.

"I-"

"You don't need to explain!" She smiled, eyes still a little narrowed, "Just remember that you'll always be welcome at ours, you know? Family of Sirius's is family of ours. Well, the family he chooses!" Effie giggled, shaking her hair and walking back over to her son's side of the room.

"Family?"

"Of course!"

_ Family. _

Remus wondered if he could smile any wider.

"He'll be up any moment," She said pointedly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before taking the guitar case in one hand, overnight bag in the other. "So, what are you gonna do about it?"

_ Like that was even a question! _

He loved Sirius - the answer was clear.

Remus could do this.

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) )  _ ** ✔

**_ get drunk!  _ ** ✔

**_ cute ass picnic :)  _ ** ✔

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3)  _ ** ✔

**_ first kiss ;*  _ ** ✔

**_ guitar!  _ ** ✔

**_ walk out of here with me next to you <3<3 _ **

**_ <3 _ **

**_ i love you Rem _ **


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two (maybe one, we'll see!) chapter left to go!!  
> Hope you all like this! <3<3

Remus couldn't do it.

He assuredly, positively, definitely, couldn't do it. 

He watched on from his bed in silence as Sirius's hand glided over his overnight bag, took the zipper between two fingers and pulled it across. That was it. He was packing up.

_ I should have said it last night _ , Remus thought to himself,  _ I should have told him I loved him last night. _

Sirius hadn't said a word to him, and Remus hadn't said a thing back, either, both hovering in tense silence for the past 12 hours or so since Sirius came back from his appointment the day prior. Remus was a coward for not saying anything - for not telling Sirius how he felt about him and how scared he was - but he wondered more often than not if this was for the best. He and Sirius could just ignore each other, so when Sirius inevitably walked out of those hospital doors for the last time, it would hurt less. 

Right?

The door creaked open, and three familiar faces peeked through, all with bright smiles and open arms. 

The Potters headed to Sirius's bed, and hugged him, talking loudly about things that Remus could only register as strange muffled static in his mind. James, every now and then, kept glancing over to him, eyes a little dark and an anxious smile playing on his lips, and it was driving Remus insane. No doubt he'd heard about everything from not only Sirius, but his mum too, and he was caught in the middle. Oh well, he was Sirius's brother first and foremost - Sirius was more important than he was. 

After around 10 minutes of family catch up, Remus, still watching on mindlessly, saw Euphemis and James excuse themselves and head over to Remus's bed. Fleamont and Sirius (who looked a horrible mix of confused and heartbroken) continued to gather his stuff.

"Heyo Moony!" James beamed, more forced than normal, jumping onto the foot of Remus's bed. It didn't feel right - the weight on the mattress was more than when Sirius sat on it, and James took up more room. It felt like he wasn't meant to be there.

"Prongs."

"Morning, Remus. How are you feeling today?" Effie asked, coming to sit in the seat next to him and taking his hand. 

"Better," He lied, trying to smile as he did.

"Have you told-"

"No." 

Euphemia looked content, though disappointed, and dipped her head.

"Okay... Well, Sirius is pretty much all set to go now. Do you want anything before we go?" 

"I-I'm alright, thanks."

With a last ruffle of his hair and a half-hearted smile, Euphemia Potter stood up and walked back over to her other son. James stayed on the bed, glaring a little.

"You need to tell him." 

"I really don't," Remus said with a tremble in his voice and a pain in his chest. He expected James to argue with him; curse and call Sirius over and just blurt it out himself ( _ 'Sirius, mate, Remus loves you. Now kiss and make up, okay?' _ wasn't too farfetched for Prongs). Instead, however, the older boy shook his head feebly, dark hair shaking about, and his eyes softened.

"I can't make you tell him." He finally said, rueful smile on his lips, "We will visit you though. You know that, right? You're amazing, Remus. We aren't going to just forget about you!"

"I know," Remus lied again. 

"I'll, uh- see you soon?" 

"Of course." He found himself tackled into a hug, with James on top of him. As comforting as it was, Remus couldn't help but wish it was the other brother hugging him.

After a moment, James peeled himself away, and with another fleeting simper, jumped off the bed and stalked back over to Sirius. 

He closed his eyes, squeezing them tightly shut until behind his eyelids went a little painful and fuzzy. He couldn't do this. He couldn't watch as Sirius left with his family, all happy and healthy (okay, Remus knew he wasn't totally okay. Recovering from trying to end your life didn't happen that easily, but he was on the right road, that's for sure). The blackness stayed around him as he ran his fingers through his hair, breathing shallowly and ignoring the shuffling and mumbling from the four Potters on the other side of the room. Only when he heard the door close, was he going to open his eyes, satisfied that Sirius had finally left and was no longer a burden on any of them. 

After a little more hushed talking, and the sound of feet on the lino flooring, Remus heard the door open.

"See you soon, Moony!" James shouted from the doorway, bright and cheerful. He was followed by a 'bye, kid!' from his father, and then Euphemia spoke.

"Keep your chin up, alright love? It'll be okay."

Sirius didn't say a word.

Remus smiled, but kept his eyes closed, and heard the door close. 

Finally.

Sirius was going to forget about him soon. All Remus had to do was wait for his next roommate and try to forget about Sirius all the same.

He opened his eyes, wincing as the ache of opening them and the soreness of the bright light, blinking away the blurs and smudges in his sight, before rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He registered the feeling of dampness on his cheeks and then his hand, choosing to ignore the tears that had spilt who knew when. 

After a moment, his vision cleared, and he was Sirius stood in front of him, at the end of the bed, watching his feet as he shuffled about on the spot.

Remus opened his mouth to say something; anything. 

"I-I know you don't really want to talk to me, obviously, but I need to say some things before I go..." Sirius spoke, barely louder than a whisper, and it was so unlike the older boy that it startled Remus. He seemed small, timid, as though he wasn't to be anywhere but there.

He had on the same outfit as the night they snuck out from the hospital, and he looked stunning. Even as he hopped from foot to foot, twirling his hair anxiously around his finger and refusing to look up at his roommate, Remus wondered if he could get more perfect.

"I love you. I know you already know it, and I wrote it down. And I know you don't feel the same, or you're too scared to feel the same, whatever. But you needed to hear it from me before I left. Not that I won't be back to visit you, of course!" Sirius insisted, sounding a little panicked, "I just wanted to say."

_ I love you too. _

It felt as though a hand was wrapped around Remus's throat, tightening more and more, fingers pressing on his windpipe and choking him until he couldn't speak; couldn't breathe.

"Uh, I wanted you to have this," Sirius said, moving so he was next to Remus and placed a piece of paper in his hands, causing Remus to flinch as their fingers brushed together. "It's, ah- It's my phone number. I realised I never gave it to you, so... yeah. If you want to speak to me, even if it's at three in the morning, call me, okay? You want me to come and visit you, whether it's here or at home or at respite, I'll be by your side in a second. I promise you. I promise," He repeated with a sigh, and Remus finally looked up. He wanted to argue, only to see tears trailing down Sirius's cheeks, eyes red and puffy and hands playing with the lapel of his leather jacket.

Leaning forward, he pressed a fleeting kiss on Remus's cheek, and the younger boys world seemed to collapse around him.

"I love you, Remus Lupin. I really do." He finished. 

Only once Sirius had turned around, left the room and closed the door behind him, did Remus finally allow himself to cry. 

It was over. The last nine days were over with. He'd fallen in love in a little over a week, and how he'd never see him again.

He didn't even tell him he loved him back. 

Remus sucked in a sharp, shaking breath, and turned to place the piece of paper, still folded so Remus couldn't read the number, on his bedside table, when he saw it. 

The rainbow pen, all bright and fluffy and obnoxious, lying on his nightstand, untouched. 

With no hesitation, Remus lept up, aching in his bone ignored, and snatched up the pen. He scribbled on the list - that perfect list of promises - stuck to the wall, before snatching the paper down. He folded it up, as small as he could, and stuffed the sheet in the cap of the pen before putting it back on, and bolting for the door. He ran out of the room, legs burning, chest on fire, and shouted.

"Padfoot!"

The figure at the end of the corridor turned, face lighting up as he heard his name and watched Remus running towards him. They came face to face, hardly a foot between them, and Remus nearly, so nearly, grabbed the taller boy and pulled him into a hug, spouting affecting and declarations of affection in the middle of the hospital corridor. 

Instead, he put a hand out, pen in hand.

"Y-Y-You... forgot your pen..." He stammered, catching his breath. 

Sirius's face dropped, turning from hopeful to emotionless in a second, tear tracks still shining on his cheek.

"Oh. Thanks..." He said, lips twitching almost unnoticeably as he tried to smile, before he turned and walked away once again.

Remus was in the corridor, standing on shaking legs, heart pounding behind his rib cage, alone.

Finally alone.

Three days passed awfully.

The first day, he had a sweet little girl, only a handful of months older than five, as his new roommate, constantly surrounded by mum and dad and siblings. She looked on rather fascinated at Remus's injection, wide-eyed and curious.

The second day, he was on his own, savouring (despising) the silence of the room, wishing there was a guitar for him to play, a voice for him to listen to, cards for him to use. Instead, he spent the time pacing the room, just as he'd done five days before - and thinking of raven hair and soft, metallic eyes all the same.

The third, he had a fellow occupant for only a few hours - a small boy around eight, with his two young fathers. The dads tried to engage Remus in brief conversation, but once Remus saw that one had fuzzy brown hair and the other with long black hair, he couldn't bear to look at them again.

The fourth morning, he began to stir to the feeling of a hand on his arm. He kept his eyes closed, shivering at the pain in his joints and the feeling of a thumb stroking over his forearm.

"Sirius..?" He mumbled sleepily without thinking.

"I don't know who Sirius is, love."

Eyes shooting open, Remus bolted upright, looking to the owner of the voice. 

On the chair beside his bed was a middle-aged lady, with long brown hair pulled into a ponytail, in formal workwear. Her hand, that was the one previously on his arm, was now holding the hand of the man sat next to her. He was around the same age, with greying hair and a receding hairline, in similar workwear consisting of a shirt and trousers.

"Mum? Dad?" 

"Hey sweetie," Hope, his mother, smiled, voice sickly sweet and false, and it made Remus sick to the stomach.

"We didn't mean to wake you, son, we've been here for around ten minutes already." His father, Lyall, then spoke up, sounding horribly tense and emotionless considering he was speaking to his only child. "How do you feel?"

"Alright, I guess?" Remus pushed himself until he was resting his back on the headboard, and wiggled his fingers about. "A little sore. I had my last dose a couple days ago so I'll be fine for a little longer. They, uh, there's been talk about putting me on other medication for the Lupus, but nothing too detailed yet."

His father gave a fairly uninterested hum and a nod.

"Who's Sirius, love?" Hope asked, flat out ignoring his previous statement about medication.

_ Who was Sirius? _

_ Only the most important person I've ever met, who's shown me more love and compassion than anyone ever has. More than you guys. Only the first boy I've ever fallen in love with, my first kiss, with the most wonderful family and brilliant friends. _

"No one," Remus said thickly, "He's no one."

"If you say so," She laughed, blissfully unaware (or maybe just utterly ignorant, whatever floats your boat) of the tears building in her son's eyes, and gritting of his teeth and the way he pulled at the end of the duvet.

"We can't stay for long," Lyall said after a moment of tense silence.

"Of course." Remus didn't bother to hide the sneering in his voice.

"We're meeting the carers in reception in about ten minutes or so."

What? Carers? Was he not going home this time?

"B-but you said-"

"Well, love," His mother began in that same patronising, disgustingly condescending voice once again, "We just... We're really busy, and now you'd got this other thing-"

"It's called Lupus. Stop avoiding the topic." He hissed, startling his mother but not bringing himself to care.

"Now you've got  _ Lupus _ ," She said the word barely louder than a whisper, "It's a lot for us to take on."

_ It's a lot for me to live with, but I'm still trying. _

After a huff, his father finally looked at him disappointedly, "It's a lot to deal with and it's not the best time. You'll be at the home for a fortnight, three weeks at the most, and then-"

"You said that last time!" Remus burst, unable to bite his tongue any longer. He punched the mattress next to him, regretting it as soon as pain shot through his hand, "You said it would only be two weeks last time and I was there for a month,  _ a fucking month _ !"

"Don't you use that language with me!" Lyall shouted, rising from his seat and pointing a threatening finger in his son's face.

"No, I will use that language with you! Fuck you! I was there for a month and I didn't see you once! I've been here for five weeks, almost six, and the  _ only  _ time you saw me was when I was diagnosed, and you fucked right off about five minutes later! And you're doing it again! You're throwing me in another home because you think your son is too much of a burden on you!" He was fuming, his fists clenched tight, face hot and throat sore from shouting. He half expected the nurses to come running in.

"You have no idea the lengths we have to go through to look after you, Remus, none at all," His mother said, stern but calm. "It's a lot of effort to care for you, you know!"

"It's a lot of effort to live with a debilitating condition, but that means  _ nothing  _ to you, does it?! It's stressful to be in the hospital all the time, but as long as you guys are free to do what you like! You have no idea how hard it is for me to live through this and I don't even have my parents by my side as I do!"

His mind flickered to Euphemia and Fleamont. Monty, who, while they only spoke on occasion, was nothing but cheerful and treated him like a normal human. Euphemia, who was more of a mother to him in the last week and a bit than the lady in front of him had ever been! She'd held him, comforted him, treated him like a  _ son _ \- not like a burden.

Not to mention the others!

James, with the wild hair and round glasses, who didn't ask him odd questions, just messed around with him, teased him like they'd known each other years, introduced him to card games, helped set up the party, hugged him and reassured him before he left.

Lily was spectacular - while their interactions were short and sweet, she cares! Never pestered him, just cared and joked about as if it was nothing. 

And there was Sirius. 

Sirius was perfect.

Utterly perfect.

He couldn't do it, he needed to speak to him, to tell him and everything and make sure he didn't go back to that home again. He needed to feel loved. He  _ was  _ loved, and he might have just thrown it all away.

"Your mother and I are going down to the reception," His father hissed, pulling on his wife's arm until she was standing, "When we get back, you better have your damn attitude in check, boy, because I won't stand for these temper tantrums any longer. Got it?"

He didn't stick around to wait for his response, only storming out of the room, Hope trailing behind him, and the door slammed shut.

Leaping from his bed, pain and illness be damned, he snatched his phone and the little piece of paper from the bedside table, tapping the number into the keypad with shaking fingers. He paced back and forth, chewing on the nails of the hand that wasn't holding the phone to his ear, listening to the dialling tone.

It rang once.

Then twice.

Then three times.

Remus thought he'd blown it. That was it - he never wanted to hear from him again. Contemplating hanging up the phone, he-

"Hello?"

"Sirius!" Remus yelled, aware he was now sobbing desperately, sinking down to the floor until he was curled into a trembling ball at the end of his bed.

"Remus?! Oh my god, Remus, it's you! I thought you'd never want anything to do with me! It's really you?! Why are you crying?" 

Remus found himself bawled harder, clutching the phone with two hands as though it was Sirius himself, the most wonderful feeling washing over his body as the sound of Sirius's voice - the sound of how happy he was to hear from him.

"It's me, it's me! I'm so sorry, Sirius, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"Don't you dare apologise, okay? Never! I don't care! Now, what's wrong?"

"They want to send me back!" He cried, "I'm not going home, and I can't do it! I can't keep going back to respite! I need you, Sirius, I need you more than you know!"

"I'm on my way, Remus, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can, please stay calm for me, love! I love you, I'll see you soon!"

The line went dead.

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius Black _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) )  _ ** ✔

**_ get drunk!  _ ** ✔

**_ cute ass picnic :)  _ ** ✔

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3)  _ ** ✔

**_ first kiss ;*  _ ** ✔

**_ guitar!  _ ** ✔

**_ walk out of here with me next to you <3<3 _ **

**_ <3 _ **

**_ i love you Rem _ **

**_ I love you too, Sirius. Xx _ **


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done, folks!!  
> I hope you all enjoyed this, thank you so much for sticking with me!
> 
> Feel free to check out my other stuff, and keep an eye out for a Halloween fic and something for NaNoWriMo too! ;)
> 
> All my love and hugs to you all! <3<3<3

Fingers found his way to his hair and Remus tugged. He'd counted to sixty around ten times now, and his friend was nowhere to be seen. Where was Sirius? Was he even coming? Had he lied to him, just to calm him down?

His parents would be back before Sirius, wouldn't they? He'd have to go with them, back to the respite home - back to colourless walls and the smell of disinfectant and no sunlight in the room, and he just couldn't. Not without seeing Sirius first.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open. Remus expected his mother and father, followed closely by a nurse and a wheelchair, ready to load him into an ambulance without another wold like he was already on his death bed, just a step away from falling into his grave prematurely.

Instead, there was Sirius, lip caught between his teeth, panting heavily, hair in a messy bun, even too dishevelled for him. One of his hands held open the door, pushing it as far against the wall as he could. In the other was a piece of paper; not just some insignificant sheet, but that list,  _ that fucking list _ , crumpled up in a tight fist.

"You love me," Sirius whispered, lip trembling and shoulders shaking. He dropped the list to the floor, but seemed unable to move his feet.

"I do," Remus said, shellshocked. Sirius was  _ here _ . He hadn't lied, he wanted to see him. 

"You love me," He echoed.

"Do you still love me?"

He moved, just a step, then another. The door stayed open against the wall. A third step and he was in front of Remus. He crouched down until he was eye level with Remus, who was still curled up on the floor, now hugging his knees to his chest tightly, as though it would prepare him for the heartache that was coming.

"Yes," Sirius finally whispered, grabbing Remus's face oh so softly with his hands, thumb running over his cheek and wiping away the tears that hadn't stopped falling since he hung up with Sirius. "Yes, oh, god,  _ yes _ . I love you, I love you so much and-"

Remus lurched forward, pressing his lips harshly to Sirius's and pulling back far too soon for the older boys liking. Now Sirius moved, kissing him again, gently, lovingly.

"I love you-" Another kiss, "So much-" And another, "I'll never not love you, Remus," He finished with another kiss, held longer, more intense, perfect, and Remus didn't want to let him go.

"I should have told you, I shouldn't have written it down, but I love you so much, and I can't go without telling you!"

"You're not going anywhere, Remus, you can't. I won't let you!" Sirius insisted, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand and then pulling Remus into a hug. Remus was safe, at least while he was in Sirius's arms. His friend was warm, with that same scent of his shampoo, and something like art supplies, but it was unmistakably Sirius and Remus never wanted to lose that feeling of warmth or the smell of paint again.

"You can't do anything, Pads! I'm not eighteen! Only my parents and doctors have say over what happens to me, and-"

"Not for long!" Came a voice from the door.

Remus pulled back from Sirius regrettably, to be met with James in the doorway, glasses crooked and face red - had they both ran to him?

"James!"

"Remus! Oh god, Remus!" James cried with relief, diving to the floor and pulling the couple into a hug, "You turn eighteen in March, right? So you have five months, and then your parents don't have any input anymore, right?!"

"James," Remus began with a heavy sigh, tears slowing but chest still tight, "It's not that simple! I have no money, I can't get a job, I rely on my parents for everything. I'll have no where to live! And I can hardly live on my own, I need someone around in case things go wrong, so I- Effie?!" Over Sirius's shoulder, Remus saw Euphemia in the doorway, a horribly dark look on her face; a look that was matched by her husband who stood beside her. "Monty?"

"Oh Remus," She whined pitifully, with a sharpness to it that sent a shiver up his spine, "Sirius explained everything on the way here. I knew you had problems, but I never realised your parents were like that! They're just going to send you back?"

"Y-yes!" Remus twitched as he stuttered, "They said it's too much to deal with, the Lupus on top of the RA. They say it's only for a few weeks, but I don't believe them one bit."

"For fucks sake-" Fleamont shouted, earning himself a smack on the arm from his wife, "But I'm right, Effie! Look at the poor boy! He needs love and friends and parents who care! Not to be shoved into some home to rot!"

Remus flinched. He wasn't wrong; that's what would happen.

"Yeah!" James said in a manner so similar to his father is was scary, "He can't live like this!"

"It's not living," Sirius chirped in, still clinging tightly onto Remus as though he'd float off the second he loosed his grip; as though they were the only thing keeping each other sane and grounded. "I-its not, is it Rem? You're sat there day in, day out, doing nothing!"

"I know," Euphemia huffed, "I know. What if-"

There was a knock on the wall beside the door. The Potters parted to show a carer, in a green tabard rather than the expected blue. In front of her was a wheelchair, and the sight made Remus's stomach flip nauseatingly. 

She looked puzzled, glaring a little at the Potters, then James as he stood up, and eyes widened as she caught sight of Remus and Sirius still clinging to one another on the floor.

"Mr Lupin?"

"That's me," Remus hissed, and he felt Sirius grab the fabric of his t-shirt behind him.

"Your parents are down at reception to see you off. Are you ready to go?"

"Not yet!" Sirius cried, letting go of Remus to face the nurse, grabbing his hand as a replacement for the loss of contact.

"Can we have five more minutes?" Euphemia pleaded, taking the hand of her husband, and then her son. 

"I can give you two, and then we need to go."

"I'll visit you! Every day if you ask me to!" Sirius promised, and Remus's thumb came up to wipe away the tears building up on the corner of his lips, palm resting on his cheek.

"Pads," Remus laughed in an attempt to lighten the mood, "I can't ask that of you."

"I'd do it, you know I would! If I promised you that I would, then I'd do it!"

"I know, Sirius. I know you would, your promises mean everything to me."

"Mr Lupin," The nurse said, stern and unmoving, "We really need to go."

Fleamont swung around, dragging poor Euphemia about as he did, "Give them a minute, will you? They just want to say goodbye!"

Dropping her husband's hand, Effie moved until she was crouched beside the couple.

"Remus?" She asked softly. "Would you want to come and live with us?"

"W-what?"

"You can't right now, of course, because of your parents, but when you turn eighteen, and it's  _ your  _ choice, would you like to come and live with us?"

Remus felt his heart stop. His eyes widened, flicking between looking at Euphemia, to Fleamont, and then James (who had a smile stretching from ear to ear, practically bouncing on the spot).

"Mum!" Sirius sounded shocked, and he squeezed Remus's hand. "He can, really?!"

She chuckled, "Of course he can Siri! If he says yes, that is!" She looked expectantly at Remus, and Sirius looked at him with the same face.

"I-I can't!" Remus finally spluttered.

"Of course you can, kid!" Monty shouted, followed by agreements from both of his sons.

"We have the room, there'll be someone at home all the time if you need anything, you won't have to pay a penny, and we want you there, Remus. You're really lovely, Sirius has amazing taste in people and if he thinks you're perfect, then so do we." Euphemia finished, taking the hand that wasn't being held by Sirius.

"Really?" Remus's voice was barely louder than a whisper, croaking a little as he bit back more tears, "Y-you really want me to live with you..?"

"Of course," She assured, "Family of Sirius's is family of ours."

"Family?"

Sirius, despite the audience, leant forward and pressed a chaste kiss on Remus's lips, before smiling against his cheek. "Family."

"Mr Lupin!" The nurse hissed, "We need to go. Now."

"Okay, I'm coming."

___

There was a clatter, what sounded like plastic shattering, and Remus sat up, heart thumping hard against his chest from the sudden wake-up call.

He rubbed his eyes fast, blinking away the sleepiness in his gaze, until the world came into focus. Looking to the direction of the noise, Remus saw Sirius sat at the vanity, smiling over at him sheepishly.

"Sorry, love, dropped my eyeshadow," He murmured. Reaching down to pick up the pallet from where it was on the floor, Sirius realised the lid had also broken off, and he huffed. "I liked that pallet, too..."

"We'll find a way to fix it, Sirius," Remus laughed, before cutting himself off with a wince as he shuffled on the bed.

Snapping his head around fast, Sirius furrowed his eyebrows. "Bad day?"

"Think so," Remus wiggled his fingers and flinched at the pain shooting up his hand. "Yeah, definitely."

"Need anything?"

"Nah, I'm good for now," Remus watched as Sirius stood up and moved from the dresser, abandoning his makeup for the time being to stand by his boyfriend. He leant over and kissed Remus, and then ran a hand comfortingly through his hair.

"If you're sure," He murmured, placing another hiss on his cheek.

"I am. And anyway," Remus smiled, pulling back to look Sirius in the eyes, "You have something way more important things to worry about today! Go finished getting ready, love," He insisted, tapping Sirius lightly on the arm to get him to hurry.

He stayed warm under the duvet, watching as Sirius finished his makeup - nothing too elaborate, just shimmering eyeshadow and simple, but cute winged eyeliner - and found himself entranced by his boyfriend. Nothing could have prepared Remus for how amazing Sirius was. He was caring, talented, funny, smart, simply perfect. 

After Sirius was done, the couple headed to the living room. Day's like this reminded Remus why they'd chosen a bedroom on the ground floor as he shuffled along the corridor. He took his frame reluctantly, knowing he'd likely be nagged by one or three Potters if he didn't, and found themselves greeted by three beaming faces.

"Morning, kiddos! Sleep well?" Fleamont asked, passing Remus, who'd flopped onto the sofa, a cup of coffee.

"We did, thanks," Remus smiled back, accepting the mug with a thanks and taking a sip. It might have taken five months of Remus living there, but Monty had finally remembered how he took his coffee.

James and Sirius joined him on the couch - Sirius burying himself into his boyfriend's side, and James snuggling up against Remus - while Euphemia and Monty settled together on the second.

"What time's he getting here?" Effie asked after the Potter brothers had calmed down from their excited morning greetings. 

"Any minute now, I guess?" Sirius glanced at his phone, an uncontrollable smile stretching bigger and shining brighter.

"He definitely doesn't need us to come and get him? We can, you know? He's only just turned eighteen, and-"

"Mum!" Sirius laughed, "He'll be okay!"

Perfectly timed, the doorbell rang, echoing around the joint living room-diner, and Sirius lept from his seat, knocking James onto the floor and almost spilling his boyfriends coffee in his overjoyed scramble.

"Mind helping me up?" Remus laughed to James, huffing on the floor. With the help of James and Sirius, Remus was standing once again, and they, followed closely by Fleamont and Euphemia, made their way to the front door.

Sirius rested his hand on the doorknob, and took in a deep breath before opening.

"Wow, I really do have the whole welcoming committee. I'm not the queen, you know. I'll leave  _ that  _ role up to my brother."

In the doorway was a familiar face, and Remus watched as his boyfriend glowed at the sight.

Regulus Black was like his brother in most ways - with the same pale skin, dark inky hair, and almost posh air around him. But with softer features, and short hair, Remus could easily tell them apart.

He'd only met Regulus once, when they all met him at the foster home he was in to talk about him moving in with the Potters, just as Remus had when he turned eighteen. Finally, he was here, an adult and no longer in a system that didn't care about him, and Remus watched the reunion with fondness in his eyes, leaning on his frame and Remus as he did.

"Hey, Reg," Sirius smiled, shoulders sinking as the tension from the past ten months seemed to drop from his shoulders. His brother dropped the bags of clothes in his hands and smiled, small and rare, but genuine none the less.

"Hello, Sirius."

Sirius dove forward, wrapping his brother in a hug that was swiftly returned, and they spoke to each other lowly, the rest of the family unable to hear, laughing as they kept their arms around each other.

After a moment, the pulled back, and Reg headed to Euphemia and Fleamont.

"Thank you both, once again. I can't explain how-"

"No need to be so formal, lovey!" Euphemia cried, pulling the youngest boy into a tight hug, and Fleamont ruffled Regulus's hair once he was released from the embrace.

"Exactly! Stop thanking us, we're glad you wanted to be here!"

"Heya, Reggie!" James grinned, now taking his turn to hug Regulus, who grumbled.

"I told you to stop calling me that when I was around nine!"

"And I'll never stop!" He teased.

Finally, Regulus stood in front of Remus, and smiled a little stiffly. 

"Hey Remus, how are you?"

"Reg! I'm well, how are you? You've grown, you're taller than me now-"

"Not that that's hard!" Sirius snickered in the background.

"I'm good. Better now," Regulus looked around at everyone surrounding him, and his eyes lit up.

"I'm glad. Maybe we should leave the hugs for now," Remus laughed, noticing just how awkward it was between the pair - it was only the second time they were meeting, of course. Reg had known everyone else here since he was a little boy.

"Sound like the best course of action," He agreed with a huff of amusement. "And anyway, I want to see my room!" He kidded, smiling over at Effie.

The couple led Regulus inside, helping him with his bags, followed by James in leaps and bounds. 

Feeling a hand squeeze him on his shoulder, Remus turned his head rigidly to see his boyfriend beside him, watching on as his family headed further into the house, laughing and chattering as they did.

"We're doing okay, aren't we? Considering everything? I know it was very ' _ Oh, if only _ ' this, and ' _ What about that _ ', but we've done alright?" Sirius asked, then carrying on without waiting for an answer, "It's been worth it, though. The hospital stuff, leaving your parents, fighting to get Reg to stay here. I wouldn't change a thing."

Remus kissed Sirius on the cheek and smiled.

He remembered the list pinned up next to their bed, where it had been since Sirius stuck it there the day Remus moved in. Then, he remembered the other sheet of paper, the new one pinned up next to it, titled with ' _Sirius and Remus's fun list 2.0!!!!_ ', and the ever growing checklist of tasks on it; some ticked off, some yet to be done. He smiled a little wider.

"Nor would I."

**_ Remus's fun list!!! _ **

**_ by Sirius ~~Black~~ _ **

**_ birthday party! (my birthday, of course! ;) )  _ ** ✔

**_ get drunk!  _ ** ✔

**_ cute ass picnic :)  _ ** ✔

**_ clothes shopping (even though you still look gorgeous in a hospital gown <3)  _ ** ✔

**_ first kiss ;*  _ ** ✔

**_ guitar!  _ ** ✔

**_ walk out of here with me next to you <3<3  _ ** ✔

**_ <3 _ **

**_ i love you Rem _ **

**_ I love you too, Sirius. Xx _ **


End file.
